faith

God’s Compassionate Touch

Part 3 of My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

June 22, 2009

As I continue to read today God was not finished with me yet. Even thou the sun threatens to run me off my patio, He has more He needs to tell me—more I need to hear. To start I guess I need to share with you the words I underlined in the book God has chosen for me to start my spiritual journey, well one of the books anyway. God actually has me reading four books at the moment. Each for a different purposes each with a different meaning. As a side note I do find it important to share that this poor little dyslexia girl has NEVER read more than one book at time before now. Well anyway here are the words that spoke to me today. They seem to center around two themes compassion and wounded spirit, they are:

  • People longed for His compassionate touch
  • Each who came was touched
  • And each one was changed
  • Compassionate touch
  • That one touch changed their life forever
  • He extended his hand, palm forward
  • Isolate their wounded
  • He was put outside the village
  • Infected by this fear of rejection and their memories of the last time they tired. They choose not to be touched at all. Rather than RISK being hurt again
  • Before He spoke, I knew He cared
  • I will never forget the One who dared to touch me

This last one did it —God is now yelling at me saying “Kay don’t you get it!” “I want YOU to dare to touch my children completely with all of your being and all of your spirit. And I God will not only show you how (even though you already know how) I will be there to hold you –because I know you think you will fail you think you will fall. But I God knows better. I know that this is only your fear talking because I God know you won’t fall, that you won’t fail; that you will achieve all that I have planned for you to be. I want you Kay to touch my children to honor me by honoring them to validate me by validating them, to christen them in the Glory of Christ. Yours is the Power of the Godly touch.”

As a side note while I re-read what I wrote today God wanted me to change what I wrote. You see as I penned the bullet points above I put the word God in parenthesis. Now God is telling me to remove the parenthesis. He wanted me to own that it is Kay doing the touching, and to stop deflecting by saying it was God. He wants me to truly embrace and own the power that God has given me. Yes, God is working through me but I have to own my part totally and right now in this moment in time — that’s kind of scary for me —

mind body spirit

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

June 8, 2009

I can feel myself beginning to question my new commitment to combine all three elements of who I am – the clinical counselor, the Christ-centered religious person, and the spiritually intuitive woman who receives flashes of guidance and clarity – in all aspects of my professional and personal life.

How quickly my memory fades; how quickly I forget the depth of my recent insight, my direction, my new resolve. I do remember how strongly I felt those things I wrote about only two days ago. I remember the tears wetting my face and the tension in my forehead as I embraced the decision to integrate these three parts of my inner core.  But just as powerful as my desire to be “whole” is my mind and body’s overwhelming need to protect me, caution me against standing out, and urge me to maintain the status quo. “Be normal!” is the message from my inner critic.  “No one else ever talks about a burning need to combine clinical, religious and intuitive insight!”

My brain threatens to erase the cognitive connection I came to, and make me soften my writing, my journey’s foot prints, rendering me stuck in non-change—keeping myself unchanged. What a powerful tool this inner conflict provides me to experience first hand how my clients interact with me, and how they feel about the guidance I provide to them daily. I feel just how difficult change can be—even willing, desperate change.

The struggle to open myself up and share these spiritual and intuitive dimensions of my life with others continues to plague me. The desire to be known, to be loved is there — but I quickly close off when I feel even the possibility of the judgment and criticism of others, especially those who are close to me, those whom I love the most.  I know it hurts them, too, when they see how alive I can be, but that I choose not to share that part of me with them. Do they not see that they can’t have it both ways? They can’t effectively shut me down one moment, and then expect me to continue to open my world to them. This is something to this day I have not learned to do. So I fracture myself sharing just those pieces of me they can handle, and not sharing the other pieces of me that they can’t understand or deal with — or should I just exclude them all together and go it alone?

In a way this is part of what my spiritual journey is about; learning how not to “go it alone.” Learning how to put myself out there and stand in my truth, not only with my family (who are the scariest because I have the most to loose with them) but also with everyone with whom I come into contact. I fear that the people at my church, who I do not really know, will make fun of me, or think I am some kind of psychic nut job. I agonize about how my clients will react – the very people I help navigate the level of their own openness and desire to be touched.

My clients perhaps are the least of my fears, because God sent them to me, and they are ready, open and relieved when I talk about what others shy away from. They have had experiences that can’t be explained through traditional, clinical logic, and they have questions that can’t be answered through traditional, clinical logic, either. Not only do I talk about what others consider psychic babble when my clients bring it up, but also I act as if it’s the most normal everyday occurrence, because for me, it truly is. I only wish I could let my family in on this element of my life—my journey. Perhaps God will show me how, or place the desire and openness in them to explore this and not be threatened or fearful. As I walk were He sends me, as I talk to those He brings to me, to I hope all will be made clear.

— Kay

healing

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

Summer of 2009

I’m Dr. Kay Trotter, and I love my clinical work as a counselor for children, adolescents and adults. While I respect all religious beliefs, I am also a devout Christian, and love the strong foundation my faith gives my life and my work. In addition, I love how I am spiritually inspired and guided, receiving messages and confirmations in intuitive flashes of insight.

While these three facets of me are all important – the clinical, the religious and the spiritual – for years I felt I needed to keep them separate from each other. It became more and more difficult, though, and I seemed to be attracting to me clients who required that I begin to work with them from multiple perspectives. For instance there was the young girl who saw ghosts, and needed a way to understand and control what was happening in her life. Other clients have asked me to pray with them.

From a clinical perspective, I was feeling torn. While I received excellent results when I used both my religious and spiritual experiences to help my clients, I still questioned the validity of deviating from the clinical model – or rather, building other layers on top of it.

I had to be authentic – I couldn’t pretend these other facets of myself weren’t there during a counseling session when I felt clients were needing guidance above and beyond textbook models. And in the instances where I did delve into my spiritual and religious tool box, I could see sometimes miraculous emotional healing in my clients. In summer of 2009, I finally realized I had to take a sabbatical to both prayerfully and analytically reflect on my work, and my future path.

I knew I had to undertake this spiritual journey for myself, all my clients, and all the people I am blessed to interact with on a daily basis. I also knew I had to journal my experiences – I couldn’t be the only counselor who was facing this dilemma.

No sooner had I made this commitment to myself and my clients than I found this remarkable passage, labeled “God’s View of Life:”

“God loves to decorate; God has to decorate. Let Him live long enough in a heart and the heart will begin to change. Portraits of hurt will be replaced by landscapes of grace. Walls of anger will be demolished and shaky foundations restored. God can no more leave a life unchanged than a mother can leave her child’s tears untouched.

It’s not enough for Him to own you; He wants to change you. Where you and I might be satisfied with a recliner and refrigerator, He refuses to settle for any dwelling short of a palace. After all, this is His house. No expense is spared. No corners are cut. “Oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust Him (Eph. 1:19).”

This explains some of the discomfort in my life. Remodeling of the heart is not always pleasant. We don’t object when the Carpenter adds a few shelves, but He has been know to gut a entire west wing. He has such high aspirations for me! God envisions a complete restoration. He won’t stop until He is finished. And he won’t be finished until I have been shaped “along the… lines…of His Son (Rom. 8:29).”

My Creator is remaking me into the Image of Christ. He wants me to be just like Jesus. This is the desire of God.”

– By Max Lucado
in Just Like Jesus

So with this strong confirmation, my journey began. It is an honor to share it with you through this blog.

Saturday June 6, 2009
Because I feel God is challenging me to go on a spiritual journey, I have chosen to take a three-month sabbatical from my counseling practice. For this journey I completely surrender myself and my hands to God, that He can take me where I need to go and show me what He wants me to see. I feel with all my heart that He is taking me on this journey to be in relationship with Him at a greater level than I am now—to the next level of faith. I do not know where He will lead me, but I will strive with all that I am to go where He takes me and to utilize all those He sends to guide me. I know that these summer sabbatical months are just the prelude for a lifelong voyage as I allow God to guide me in both my personal and my professional life.

God has also called upon me to re-dedicate my life to Him, symbolically, in a new Baptism. As of yet I do not know when or where my Baptism will take place — however I feel it is not far off. As I walk and cry on this journey, I hope to take you with me, sharing in my joys and hopes and risking to let those closest to me see the parts of myself that I keep close to my heart out of fear of be ridiculed.

I pray that God gives me the strength and words to let you in, something that I struggle to do. It is much easier to keep the deepest emotional parts of my heart and my faith cloistered away. I pray that God gives me the strength to not hide myself when I am overcome with the presence of the Holy Spirit and tears quietly roll down my face. I pray that God remove my feelings of self-consciousness and that I truly embrace all that He is sending me, no matter where I am, no matter who is around me and could possibly see me. I seek to move my faith and God’s presence in my life out of my private world and into the world of others. For I know this is what God is calling me to do.

As I write these words tears wet my face and the power of Christ fills me. This is a gift God has always given me, the ability to see and feel Him in so many different places and in so many different people. I have been the one who has kept Him locked up, out of fear of what others will think, fear of what others will do if they know how intensely I feel God’s presence and how unconventionally he works in my life.

Sunday June 7, 2009
I know this may sound silly to you, but God just showed me what He wants from me and what I am.

“I am a healer.”

I know those of you who know me are chuckling to yourself because you have always known that that I am a healer and I have known too. But — not at the level that God now wants me to own it. Like the Scriptures tell us, people longed for Christ’s compassionate touch. And each who came was touched. And each one touched was changed. I know that God has given me the ability to compassionately touch His children and on some level, I know they have been changed. But that is a lot of power — and I don’t know if I want that.

I guess that’s part of what this journey is all about — me learning to release God’s power in me and just let God flow thru me. I also know that thru this journey, God will help me learn to manage the physical and emotional drain—not just a ‘drain,’ but rather the pure depletion I can experience being His healer.

The cognitive part of me wants Him to show me coping skills, mediation, relaxation techniques to use to fill me up when I am empty. But on some deeper level, I know this will not happen. I have to learn once again to surrender myself to God and allow Him to use me. And I have to know that although I may feel like I am going to explode; that there is no more that I can give, that I am exhausted — God will be there to take care of me. He will be the one to fill me and replenish me in ways my human mind can not even imagine.

I was gong to write that I need to go Google some of our world great “healers” and see how they take care of themselves. Then I realized that it is this kind of ‘stinking thinking’ that I have to stop. Because God does not want “me” to take care of myself — He wants me to surrender to Him, and have faith that he will take care of this need in me so that I can do the great work that He is calling me to do. Since I now see this more clearly I will work on surrendering this aspect of myself more to Christ. God willing, I will succeed!