How to Guide Teens Through Loss and Grief

Max Schwolert

I recently had the honor of talking to an intimate group of parents who where at a loss as to how to help their children cope with the loss of a friend, 17-year-old Max Schwolert, who died from complications of the flu during a holiday vacation. Those who knew Max, and those who never had the pleasure of meeting a Schwolert, had many questions. Only one being: “How can I help my child through this?”

As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss, as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.”

A loss of a friendship can be hard on a teenager, just as it can be on adults. It is important to validate your teen’s feelings of loss. In validating those feelings, you make it easier for him or her to share their stories about the friendship, the memories of happy and sad times. Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.

As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss, as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.” Many teenagers feel guilty because their friend died; yet they have a chance at life and graduation, and romance, and experiences, and even new friendships.

One thing that is very important for parents to know is: When your children are grieving and crying, your job is not to fix them. It is natural to want to make their crying stop, but this desire really is more about your pain because it hurts you to see your children cry. But, your job is not to make their pain go away, but to walk hand-in-hand with your child so they can learn to work through this pain. In other words, you have to honor your child’s feelings and allow them to have them so they can learn to process and express a range of emotions, and react in appropriate ways in emotional situations.

Parents also need to realize that, in your intention to fix them, you send the message that you don’t see them, and they therefore do not feel heard by you—this “not being seen and heard by you” can lead to a fight. This is because you have failed to understand your child’s real point and their thoughts or feelings underlying that point. I recommend you quit trying to fix your children and start communicating that you believe in them.

When your child is crying or upset and you don’t know what to do, stop and take a moment to reflect what you are seeing in your child. For example you could say, “You’re really angry. You want this to be over because this is really bothering you.” This will let your child know they are being heard and touched.

It’s also good to ask your children, “What do you need from me now?” Then, if your child just needs you to listen, they can say, “I just need you to listen.” Or if your child wants you to take some action, then they are able to tell you what action to take. This helps them feel like they have some control because death makes all of us feel out of control.

The bottom line is: Don’t fix your children. Instead help them learn how to feel and appropriately express their feelings. As parents, we can teach and guide our children to handle their emotions in ways that validates their feelings, while fostering healthy interactions with the world. In fact, emotional regulation is essential for children’s overall wellbeing.

Remember you’re the most important person to them as their parent and they just want you to walk with them on this journey.

On the flip side, it’s also okay for parents to cry and grieve in front of their children. While you may think you need to hide your pain from them, crying actually allows you to honor yourself and to feel your feelings. It’s okay to feel your pain because we all have to go through the struggle before we can come out on the other side.

The Struggle to Become a Butterfly 

There is a well-known story about a man who tried to help a butterfly out of its cocoon by slitting the cocoon open. The butterfly that emerged had small, unformed wings, and died soon after. What the man didn’t realize is the butterfly needed the struggle out of the cocoon to force the fluid into its wings; to stretch and open them so that the butterfly could fly. By trying to shortcut the process, the man had instead doomed the creature.

I use this story to illustrate that, while it’s hard to watch someone you love struggle, sometimes we need to learn to wait and let the process unfold on its own.

Remember: WITHOUT THE STRUGGLE, THERE ARE NOT WINGS!

If God allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We would never be able to fly.

How To Help Your Teens

• Be honest and let them know what’s happening
• Be willing to listen, and available to talk about whatever they need to talk about
• Acknowledge the emotions they may be feeling—fear, sadness, anger
• It can be helpful for parents, or other adults, to share their own feelings regarding the loss
• Frequently reassure them they are safe, who is caring for them, and which adults they can trust to ask for further support
• Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
• Talk to them about grief – what it is, that it’s normal, that everyone is different
• Avoid expectations of adult behavior – allow them to be the age and stage they are and encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings – give them ideas of things they could try, such as doing physical activities, writing, singing, listening to music, talking with friends, reading etc.
• Allow questions and provide honest answers
• Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them
• Speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them
• Talk about death together; answer any questions they may have
• Let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss

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IT IS IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE WHEN YOUR TEENAGER IS STRUGGLING WITH THE LOSS MORE THAN WHAT IS NORMAL.

Recognizing the symptoms is one way of helping your teenager deal with the loss such as: 

• Teenagers can experience symptoms of depression and have angry outbursts.
• They can also be at the opposite end of the spectrum by showing a lack of emotions and feeling numb.
• There can be problems in school with failing grades or delinquent behaviors.
• Further symptoms showing difficulty processing the loss might include personality changes, self-destructive behaviors (drinking, drugs, etc.), withdrawal and isolation, or even suicidal thoughts.

While this is not an all-inclusive list of symptoms, it does give you an idea of how hard the loss of an important relationship can be on a teenager. If you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think the young person may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counselor, senior staff member from their school, social worker, community or youth worker or a local family support agency.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: 214-499-0396, Kay@KayTrotter.com or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com

I Offer This Blessing—To Bless The Wonderful Person So Worthy Of Love That YOU Are

As I sit here pondering the past year and reflecting on my life and the treasures bestowed to me and the ones yet to come, I find that I am grateful for it all. For the joys and for the sorrows, for without these experiences I would not be the person I am today. Through the losses in my life’s journey amidst the pain and tears I also was blessed to discover that the ONLY thing important in life is the relationships we have with each other—our connectedness with loved ones. Everything else is just stuff.

So, with this in mind I “Send Blessings Out Into The Universe With Your Name…….I offer this Blessing—for you. My hope is that you will embrace and “recognize your infinite good which is part of the very fabric of the universe.” I also pray that you send out blessings wherever  you go and these beautiful words on the gentle art of blessing written by Pierre Pradervand is a wonderful example of how to bless others in your everyday life. - Dr. Kay Trotter

Be sure to also watch this beautiful video “The Gentle Art of Blessing” where  Janes Joy brings Pierre’s words to life with music and wonderful photo’s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WegAgepCYfo

“The Simple Art of Blessing” by Pierre Pradervand 





On awakening, bless your day as it is already overflowing with an abundance of goods that show your blessings. For bless means to recognize the infinite good which is part of the very fabric of the universe. He expects us to sign a manifest.

People crossing the street, on the bus, at your place of work, bless them all. The peace of your blessing will be the companion of their way and will have a discreet fragrance light their way. Bless those you encounter in their health, their work, their joy, their relationship to God, to themselves and others. Bless them in their abundance and their finances. Bless them in every way conceivable, because such blessings not only sow the seeds of healing but one day, like so many flowers burst forth with joy in the arid areas of your life.

As you walk, bless your village or city, those who govern and its teachers, its nurses and street sweepers, its priests and prostitutes. At the very moment someone expresses any aggression, anger or lack of kindness towards you, respond with a blessing silent. Bless them totally, sincerely, joyfully, for such blessings are a shield that protects you from the ignorance of their misdeeds, and diverts the arrow that is sent to you.

To bless means to wish and want unconditionally, totally and unreservedly good unlimited – for others and the events of life – drawing on sources deepest and most intimate of your being. This means reverence and awe with a total look that is always a gift from the Creator and that whatever appearances. One that is supported by your blessing is set apart, consecrated the world.

Bless everything and everyone, without discrimination, is the ultimate form of giving, because those you bless will never know from where does this sudden ray of sunshine broke through the clouds of their skies, and you will rarely witnessed in this light their lives.

When, in your day, some unexpected upsets you you as far as your plans, burst into blessing, because life is going to teach you a lesson, even if the cut may seem bitter. For this event you believe to be undesirable if you have in fact created, in order to learn the lesson that you escape if you hesitate to bless him. Events are blessings hidden and cohorts of angels follow their footsteps.

To bless means to recognize beauty everywhere hidden from material eyes. This is to enable the universal law of attraction, from the depths of the universe, will bring into your life exactly what you need in the moment to grow, grow, and fill the cup of your joy.

When you pass a prison, bless its people in their innocence and their freedom, their goodness, their pure essence and unconditional forgiveness. Because we can only prisoner of the image we have of ourselves, and a free man can walk without chains in the courtyard of a prison, as well as citizens of a free country may be trapped when fear lurks in their minds.

When you pass a hospital, bless its patients in the fullness of their health, because even in their suffering and disease, this fullness is just waiting to be discovered. And when you see someone crying or seemingly broken by life, bless it in its vitality and joy for the senses do not show that the inverse of the splendor and ultimate perfection that only the inner eye can perceive .

It is impossible to bless and judge at the same time. Then hold in the desire to bless you as an incessant inner resonance and as a perpetual silent prayer for you and those are the peacemakers, and one day, you will discover all the face of God.

 - Pierre Pradervand

PS And above all, do not forget to bless this wonderful person, totally beautiful in its true nature, and so worthy of love that YOU are.

http://vivreautrement.org

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: 214-499-0396, Kay@KayTrotter.com or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com

How Parents Can Help Children Through Traumatic Events

By Rise VanFleet Guest Blogger. Rise VanFleet, PhD, RPT-S, CDBC
Child/Family Psychologist
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Certified Dog Behavior Consultant
In practice for nearly 40 years, with specialties in traumatic events, chronic medical illness, strenghening parent-child relationships (esp. Filial Therapy), and Animal Assisted Play Therapy. Author of dozens of books, manuals, chapters, and articles on play therapy, Filial Therapy, AAPT, and canine behavior.

Too often our world is shaken by traumatic events such as natural disasters (e.g., tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, floods), war, school and community violence, acts of terrorism, accidents, housefires, life-threatening illness, separations, loss of a pet, kidnappings, and so on. Such events can leave all of us feeling helpless, and children may be particularly reactive to events that make them feel unsafe. Children who are directly exposed to such events can become traumatized, and the emotional impact of trauma can last a very long time if it goes unnoticed. Some children are exposed to trauma indirectly through sensationalized or repetitive newscasts or by hearing and seeing others‘ emotional reactions, and there’s evidence that children can be traumatized by this indirect contact with trauma as well. It’s important that parents have information about trauma, its impact on children, and how to help their children understand and cope with these events.

When something traumatic occurs, it’s important to give children an honest but simple explanation of what happened. They are bound to hear about it through television, schoolmates, or overheard adult conversations, so it’s best if their parents or primary caregivers play an active role in helping them understand the event. It’s also important to reassure children that you, their parents, will do everything you can to keep them safe. Some children blame themselves when bad things happen, so parents need to tell them firmly that it’s not their fault.

Caregivers should limit children’s exposure to newscasts about traumatic events. Broadcasts are geared toward adults, and children may not have the reasoning abilities or coping mechanisms to deal with repeated views of people crying, buildings on fire, and so on. Although children’s programs often portray violence, the emotional tone of the news conveys its “reality” and children and adolescents can become extremely frightened, whether or not they show it. You need not restrict their exposure entirely, but screen carefully what they do see!

Children who are roughly 3 to 12 years of age, given the opportunity, will often play out scenes from a traumatic event. Sometimes older children will, too. For example, following a car accident, parents might see their children playing out car crashes and rescues with their toys. When parents see this, they might worry that it’s damaging somehow for the child to play out the traumatic situation. Actually, it’s often just the opposite: it can help the child cope better. Just as we adults need to talk with others after experiencing something frightening, sad, or devastating, children need to play through their feelings and reactions to the trauma. It can be very beneficial if parents allow their children to play this way while showing acceptance of the child’s feelings. To stop such play can cut off the child’s primary means of coping. Of course, children should be distracted to some other activity if they are playing in ways that are actually dangerous to themselves or others, or if the child is becoming obviously upset by the play. If a child constantly plays out the traumatic event and seems unable to think about anything else, then limits should be set on the amount of time spent playing out the traumatic events. (If children’s play appears to be upsetting the child further or if they seem “obsessed” with their trauma play, parents should consider a consult with a mental health professional, as these behaviors might signal that the child is already traumatized. If children’s play appears robotic and the child seems “not there” while playing, a consult is warranted as well.)

It’s important to permit children to talk about their reactions to a traumatic event when they want to. Although such conversations can be difficult, especially if we’re experiencing our own reactions to the trauma, they do help all of us in the long run. One of the worst things we can do is say to our children, “Don’t play that way.” or “Don’t talk about it–it’s over–let’s get on with things.” Denial of the child’s reactions can lead to larger problems later. While it’s important to let children express themselves, including their feelings of anger, sadness, or helplessness, it’s also important to help them focus on the positive aspects of trauma situations.   In the wake of many disasters, there are many amazing, touching stories of selfless acts, heroic deeds, and the very best of human caring coming from the most horrible of conditions.  Although we see some of the worst of humanity after traumatic events, we also see vastly more of the very best.  It’s important for our children to hear about them because it adds to children‘s sense of security, connections to other people, and hope for the future.

The natural tendency of children to play out the things that are happening around them is their way of trying to understand. Because they are PLAYING, it feels safer to them, and this is very important. Too much TALKING about scary events can actually scare children more. Some talking is important to give children some basic information and to answer their questions, but it is through their play that children, especially those under 12, have a real opportunity to understand what is going on. Throughout the world, children in war zones are seen “playing war.” Children play doctor or medical scenes when they or someone in their family has been ill or hospitalized. Aid workers noticed that children directly affected by the Oklahoma City Bombing were playing with small plastic dogs sniffing around in piles of blocks, much as real dogs were used to find survivors in the actual rubble. After September 11, children throughout the world were reported to be playing scenes of planes hitting buildings, firefighters and rescue, buildings crashing down, and even funeral themes. A boy in the U.K. played scenes of police officers arresting “bad guys” after the terrorist bombing of the London Underground. A girl from New Orleans who had been moved to a shelter after Hurricane Katrina involved several other children in play where she was the “Mama Alligator” who was trying to save her babies (the other children) from the “Cane” (hurricane).

Long after a traumatic event has occurred, parents should remain alert to any signs of trauma in their children. When children are traumatized, the effects may occur much later than expected. Sometimes traumatized children look quite “normal” on the surface after the event, and then experience post-traumatic symptoms weeks, months, or even years later. It’s fine for parents to ask their children what they’re thinking and feeling about the event from time to time, and then really listen to what they say. On the other hand, it’s best not to “bombard” children with questions about how they’re feeling or to hold lengthy discussions with them, as this might actually raise the children’s anxiety levels. It’s good for parents to share their own feelings of fear, sadness, anger about an event because it helps children see that these reactions are normal and can provide good coping models. (A caution, though: be sure that you share your feelings simply and don’t elaborate to a point that could frighten the child further. Always reassure them that you’ll keep them safe.)

One of the most beneficial things for children after a traumatic event is for their day-to-day environment to return to “normal” as quickly as possible. Getting back to some sort of daily “routine” can help kids feel safer and keep the traumatic event from becoming the only focus of their lives. This can be challenging following some disasters, but working toward as normal an environment as possible under the circumstances can help. Parents can help children find a balance between playing/talking about the event and doing daily tasks and other types of activities.

When trauma has been caused by humans, as in terrorism, it is important for children and adults alike to remember that we gain strength from our human connections and that most people are good. Broad, angry statements about other ethnic groups can add to children’s sense of insecurity and promote prejudice and uninformed backlash effects. People throughout the world have struggled for a long time with our “differences,” and that struggle continues. Acts of terror are intended to divide us, and we can resist this and help our children feel much safer by teaching them that these bad deeds are the work of individuals (or small groups of individuals) and not of any broad ethnic, racial, religious, or other group.

Many children are quite resilient when dealing with traumatic events, but it’s good for parents to know what to look for when their child might be struggling. Here are some signs that your child might be experiencing post-traumatic problems:

• anxious, “edgy”, nervous, agitated
• difficulty concentrating
• refuses to go to school; difficulty with schoolwork
• becomes angry quickly
• aggressive, either verbally or physically
• nightmares, or repetitive nightmares
• won’t sleep in his/her own bed; sleeps on floor or wants to sleep with parents
• easily startled by noises or situations similar to the traumatic event
• reverts to “younger-age” behaviors like bedwetting, nail biting, thumbsucking
• won’t talk about what happened
• talks excessively about what happened
• becomes very dependent–clings to parents or other caretakers; fears separations
• problems with friendships and siblings–seems aloof or argues
• seems “different” than he/she did before; personality seems a bit different

Although these signs might be related to other things, if the signs persist, are intense, are different following the trauma, or if several occur for your child, it could be a sign of a traumatic reaction. If you or your children experience continuing distress that interferes with your day-to-day work, school, and family life, you might consider consulting with a therapist.  The sooner a post-traumatic reaction is determined and treated, the better the outcome is likely to be for the child (or adults, too). A qualified mental health professional can help the child and the parents.

Play therapy can be very effective with traumatized children. The play gives them some “distance” from which to explore and deal with their feelings. Even teens and adults can benefit from treatments which involve play and art or other expressive interventions. Words can fail us when we experience intensely frightening events, and other means of expressing ourselves become necessary. Sometimes family play interventions can be very helpful. If you have questions or concerns about your child, contact a local mental health professional. Make sure that he or she has experience with trauma, and having a background in play therapy can be a big plus.

For information on finding play therapists who specialize in children please visit The Association for Play Therapy director at http://www.a4pt.org/directory.cfm.

Or contact your local and state psychological, social work, mental health counseling, crisis, medical, or school counseling associations or professionals can make referrals to adult therapists.

Please visit Rise VanFleet visit her web site “Family Enrichment & Play Therapy Center” for more great parenting articles and great resources. http://www.risevanfleet.com

Belly Breathing – 3 Deep Breaths

One of my favorite de-stressor or coping skills that I teach to all my clients young and old that can be done anywhere at any time is “Belly Breathing”.

Belly Breathing is a very powerful and very simple technique. It’s amazing how just taking just three deep breaths changes your brain chemistry proving you with instant relief to stress and tension.  This type of breathing teaches you to breathe slowly from your “diaphragm” or belly. Belly Breathing relaxes you and directly reduces many of the symptoms of anxiety and panic.

Just 3 deep breaths changes your body chemistry

Here’s a good way to learn Belly Breathing

1. First sit comfortable with your legs uncrossed and place one hand on your belly about 2 inches below belly button.  Let your eyes close.
2. Focusing your attention on your belly as it rises and falls as you slowly breathe in and out. Now let your breathing get even slower, and count one…two…three as you breath in and one…two…three as you breath out. Expand your belly as much as you can – like a balloon.   You know you’re doing “belly breathing” right when you can feel your belly expand.  Then, exhale to the slow count of 3, just letting all the air out of the balloon.  As you exhale, just feel yourself letting go of tension.
3. Keep repeating the belly breathing to the slow count of 3.  As you breath, try to keep a continuous flow of air without thinking about the beginning or end of each breath.
4. Pay attention only to the feeling of the breath.
5. If other thoughts wander in, just let them wander out again.
6. If you have trouble getting the hang of Belly Breathing, try lying down and putting something on you’re belly. Then put all your attention into making it go up and down with each breath.
7. Once you have mastered your Belly Breathing, you can use it when you have symptoms of anxiety or panic.  Many of the “scary sensations” of panic are related to “hyperventilation”, which simply means rapid breathing.  Also, during panic, people tend to breathe from the chest instead of from the belly.  Breathing rapidly from the chest increases anxiety.  Breathing slowly from the belly lowers anxiety and reduces many of the “scary sensations” of panic.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Coping Skills

S  T  R  E  S  S:   the problem

Whenever we experience emotional distress arising from the four core wounding experiences – loss, rejection, betrayal and humiliation – we have a choice of “hiding” from or ignoring these upsetting experiences.

Our ability to effectively cope with challenges and upsets requires learning and practicing skills so they become everyday coping tools. Just learning about these principles is not enough. Remember about 75% of what you do is out of HABIT.

Training our brain to use health coping methods means we can heal our own emotional wounds so we also feel better about ourselves.

We need all three coping brain functions, thinking, feeling and self-protection, to get over experiences that make us stressed, worried, angry or upset.

C   O   P   I   N   G:  principles

1. Recognize that no thought or feeling is wrong in itself, it is what we do with it that really counts.
2. Become aware of the way your body feels as tension begins to build up— remind yourself to breath.
3. Recognize that you don’t have to go through this alone — help is available from a wide range of sources.
4. Work to improve communication with your family and friends
5. If you are experiencing fatigue or feeling overwhelmed, reduce your responsibilities for a period of time.
6. Recognize that family and friends have to deal with their feelings too.
7. Share honestly and lovingly how you are feeling
8. Do things each day that are nurturing to you. Include fun activities, relaxation, time alone, and exercise.
9. You can work to solve some of the problems that are causing you stress.
10. Accept that guilt and worry about things you CAN’T change are useless and energy-draining.
11. Give yourself credit for whatever level of coping you are achieving.
12. Remember, there is no “instant fix” for stress.
13. Develop a love and respect for yourself — because each of us is, with our strengths, a special and worthwhile person.

L   I   F   E   S   T   Y   L   E:    body – mind – spirit

You can’t always avoid stress but being able to identify what causes it is the first step toward helping yourself cope better. If you have difficulty pinpointing the causes or “triggers” of your stress, try keeping a record to help you identify patterns of stress.

To effetely use this chart, make a note of all your activates during the day and how you felt at the time. Fill in the chart whenever a stress symptom occurs, noting what happened just before. At the end of the week evaluate when you felt stressed and when you felt relaxed.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Morning
Afternoon
Evening

R   E   L   A  X  A   T   I   O   N:   restores balance

For long-term stress relief you need periods of mental and physical relaxation throughout the day. Relaxation is a set of skills that teach you how to combat the effects of stress and restore the balance between body and mind to enable healthy, happy living.

WHY: long-term stress changes the balance of hormones in the body and leads to exhaustion. A suppressed immune system, slower metabolism and slower cell repair, result in rapid aging, weight gain, and greater risk of degenerative disease.

S   I   M   P   I   L   E:  coping skills

• Learn to become aware of when you are experiencing stress — listen to your body
• Practice deep breathing – just 3 deep breaths will change your body chemistry
• Muscle relaxation
• Meditation
• Yoga
• Mindfulness practices – the state of being attentive to and aware of the present moment only
• Guided Imagery or Visualizations
• Journal about your feelings, thoughts and worries
• Use Positive Affirmations to change negative self-talk
• Exercise daily
• Get a Massage
• Pick a hobby
• Cut down on activities
• Unplug from technology – turn down the noise
• Get outside – your brain is created to respond positively to nature — soothing your soul
• Get enough sleep
• Seek social support  – talk to someone

“In my next blog I will provide you with some of my favorite stress relief techniques”

Related articles

How to Handle Stress (crossroadscounselingcenter.wordpress.com)

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Positive Affirmations – Creating our life experience in every moment

What are Affirmations?

Every thought you think every word you say is an affirmation. All of our self-talk or inner dialogue is a stream of affirmations. We are continually affirming subconsciously with our words and thoughts and this flow of affirmations is creating our life experience in every moment. Our beliefs are just learned thought patterns that we have developed since childhood, many of these work well for us, but others may now be working against us, they are dysfunctional and may be sabotaging us from achieving what we believe we want.

Every affirmation we think or say is a reflection of our inner truth or beliefs. It is important to realize that many of these “inner truths” may not actually be true for us now or may be based on invalid or inappropriate impressions we constructed as children, which if examined as an adult can be exposed as inappropriate.

Why affirmations work

Positive affirmations are designed to challenge those negative beliefs and start to stem the flow of negative thoughts and words that seek to validate them. Affirmations are more than just repeating words. It is a whole process of becoming aware of your thoughts and words in everyday life, choosing to think and project happy positive thoughts. The more you can consciously inject the spirit of you affirmations into your daily thoughts and words, the quicker they will work for you.

Will Affirmations help me?

Yes. No matter what aspect of life you’re dealing with or who you are, affirmations will not only make you feel better about yourself and your life. But if used correctly, they can manifest real change in your life. Changing the way you think, reprogramming your mind and removing the old negative beliefs that have been sabotaging you again and again throughout your life. They can enable you to achieve the life you’ve always wanted for yourself!

Affirmations for Health

• Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health
• Loving myself heals my life. I nourish my mind, body and soul
• My body heals quickly and easily

Affirmations for Abundance

• I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds
• The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
• I pay my bills with love, as I know abundance flows freely through me.

Affirmations for Love

• I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
• I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
• I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday

Affirmations for Romance

• I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
• I release any desperation and allow love to find me
• I attract only healthy relationships

Affirmations for Weight Loss

• I am the perfect weight for me
• I choose to make positive healthy choices for myself
• I choose to exercise regularly

Affirmations for Self Esteem

• When I believe in myself, so do others
• I express my needs and feelings
• I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful
• “I am ready and willing to release the past, now

Affirmations for Peace and Harmony

• All my relationships are loving and harmonious
• I am at peace
• I trust in the process of life

Affirmations for Joy and Happiness

• Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises
• My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.
• I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Steps to Saying Affirmations

1. Affirmation Mirror work – Perhaps the most powerful way of using affirmations is to state them whilst looking in the mirror. Some of the most important messages you have received have been from people looking you straight in the eye. By looking yourself in the eye as you state your affirmation you magnify the importance of the message to yourself.
2. Written Affirmations – A great way of keeping your affirmation at the forefront of your mind is to write them down, leave notes or cards around so that you notice them throughout the day.
3. Say Affirmations with Passion – Say your affirmations with passion, the higher your emotional state as you say them, the more effective they are.
4. Sing or Chant Affirmations – One of the most effective ways to use affirmations is to sing them! The mind is much more accepting of affirmation messages when they are sung.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about her counseling practice, you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

How Bishop, a Golden Retriever, helped Karen feel safe

Guest Author – Daniella San Martin-Feeney is the Program Coordinator for Chimo Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT). Chimo AAT is a non-profit initiative based in Edmonton, Canada, which facilitates the implementation of AAT programs in health and social service facilities, as well as schools.  Their focus is on mental health, and their mission is to facilitate the use of animals to help those in need.

Daniella’s second Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT) case study shows how AAT can benefit the therapist-client relationship, and set the stage for optimal healing.  It also takes place in an office.

Case Study 2

HOW BISHOP, A GOLDEN RETRIEVER HELPED

KAREN FEEL SAFE 

In order for therapy to be successful, clients need to feel they are in a safe environment.  The client must trust their therapist before they can talk openly about their personal thoughts and experiences.  The importance of this point is demonstrated by a recent experience Terry Wilton had with a client. Terry’s client, who we will call Karen, is a victim of sexual abuse. Karen was very apprehensive about being alone in an office with a male psychologist. The following comments from Terry and Karen demonstrate how Bishop, Terry’s canine partner, helped Karen feel safe:

Karen – Having the dog here makes me feel more comfortable about being in a closed room with the therapist. I enjoy Bishop being in the room.  It makes me feel a lot better, more safe. I feel like I can express myself more when Bishop is here. I like coming to these sessions, and Bishop makes it a lot easier for me to be here. The animals really help! I recommend that every therapy session be done with an animal.

Terry – Having Bishop present made the client feel very much safer and able to tolerate being in a closed room as a female with a male therapist. This is a MAJOR benefit! Bishop play[s] a very important role of both comfort and distraction…[Sometimes] when [Karen comes] to a session she [is] very distressed. Focusing on Bishop allow[s] us to move out of that distress so we [can] come back to the issues at a decreased level of emotional intensity. The client is more relaxed and able to work in therapy when she is sitting on the floor with Bishop beside her…[she] spends the entire session petting Bishop and having close physical contact with him while we talk. [Karen] is more able now to move forward and talk through the things she needs to. We are establishing a greater therapeutic alliance as therapy continues.

Taken From: Comment section from Client and Therapist Chimo Project Questionnaires (2002), as published in Improving Health Through Animal Assisted Therapy. L. Urickuk with Dennis Anderson. 2003.

Visit Daniella at Chimo Animal Assisted Therapy web page: www.chimoproject.ca.

Check our her blog at: http://chimoaat.wordpress.com

What is Animal Assisted Therapy?

Guest Author – Daniella San Martin-Feeney is the Program Coordinator for Chimo Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT). Chimo AAT is a non-profit initiative based in Edmonton, Canada, which facilitates the implementation of AAT programs in health and social service facilities, as well as schools.  Their focus is on mental health, and their mission is to facilitate the use of animals to help those in need.

Murphy - certified therapy dog

If you’re like most people, even if you’ve heard the term animal assisted therapy (AAT), you’re not entirely sure what it entails.  You know there is an animal or many animals involved, and you assume there must be some kind of therapy!  Well, hopefully this post clears up some of the unknowns for you.

AAT is a goal-directed intervention in which an animal is an integral part of the treatment process.  A therapist who utilizes AAT operates from their professional foundation and facilitates change in a client through the client’s interactions with an animal. AAT differs from other forms of therapy with animals in that AAT is the most clinical of all therapeutic interventions with an animal.  Clients have specific goals set by the therapists, and the outcomes of AAT are measured by the therapist.

Other forms of therapeutic interactions between humans and animals include pet visitation and animal assisted activities (AAA).  Pet visitation allows for informal interaction between animals and clients, however no goals are set and no specific outcomes are expected.  AAA involves the intentional use of companion animals to provide opportunities for motivational, recreational and educational benefits.  Again, there are no set goals for clients participating in AAA.

AAT, AAA and pet visitation all have numerous therapeutic benefits.  There are however, differences between them.  A single client may enjoy the benefits of different types of interactions with animals.  For example, a client may have the chance to cuddle a cat through a pet visitation program.  The visit with the cat makes the client happy, and even helps to relieve some stress.  Later that day, the same client may work with psychologist who is using AAT.  The psychologist may use a dog’s behavior or perceived feelings as an analogy for the client’s behavior, or feelings.  In this way, observing and interacting with a dog may bring about insight about a client’s self, and help the client to progress in their therapy.  In an AAT setting, the therapist is documenting the client’s progress.  Both pet visitation and AAT interactions with animals are beneficial to the client, in different ways.

AAT is used by many different professionals including psychologists, psychiatrists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, speech language pathologists, nurses, recreation therapists, teachers, counselors, and other therapists.    It can take place in a variety of settings, from the typical office setting, to a ranch off the beaten path!

Many different types of animals are appropriate for use in AAT.  In urban settings, we most often see dogs, and less frequently, cats.  A popular sub-field of AAT is equine assisted therapy, or equine assisted counseling.  This almost always takes place on a farm or ranch.  Of course, many ranches used as counseling centers are home to many helping critters, and even small animals such as rabbits and birds can be highly effective helpers in therapy.

I hope this helps give you a clearer picture of what AAT is.  Did it help?  Do you have other burning questions about AAT?

Be sure to watch for Daniella  AAT case studies that feature three of her certified therapy dogs: Murphy (pictured above), Marley and Donovan.

Visit Daniella at Chimo Animal Assisted Therapy web page: www.chimoproject.ca.

Check our her blog at: http://chimoaat.wordpress.com/.

The Grief, Joy of Job Loss

Guest author, Ann Sudekum, MA, is a marketing and communications professional who offers her experience with job loss and how to find ways to get through the process in positive and meaningful ways. When she is not writing posts for Dr. KayTrotter’s Blog, she freelances as a MarCom consultant with her company, Sudekum Solutions, and serves as webmaster for Dr. Trotter’s website, http://www.kaytrotter.com

I knew it could happen. The signs were all there. I held out hope that it wouldn’t happen. But it did.

I lost my job. Again.

Of course, this is not rare. It is happening to people everyday. You see it on the news. You read about it online. But, you never think it could happen to you!

Years ago, the first time I lost a job, I was devastated. I felt worthless. I felt betrayed. I was sad. But, after the initial shock wore off, I realized it was actually an opportunity.

For years I had wondered what it would be like to be my own boss and this job loss gave me the chance to find out. I had lots of experience under my belt, I had lots of contacts and my severance package would tied me over for nearly a year.

So, I did it. I started my own business and it was successful. I was able to work from home and set my own hours. It was great. And, I enjoyed it for five years.

Then a new opportunity crossed my path and I jumped at it. Yes, it would mean going back into an office with set hours and a daily grind. But, it was a learning experience I wanted and it was a steady paycheck with great benefits (I would no longer have to pay for my health insurance!). So, I accepted the position and stayed for two years.

But, then it happened again: I lost that job too! And, I was propelled right back into all those feelings of anger and disbelief and sadness. But, this time, I knew these feelings were coming and I knew that I should embrace them or I would not be able to move on.

The denial. The anger. The bargaining. The depression. The acceptance. The five stages of grief are not just feelings you get when someone dies. They are feelings you get anytime you lose something. And, losing your job feels like a death.

One thing that kept me from complete despair was that I knew I was not alone because, unfortunately, we live in a time where being downsized is not an exclusive club. So, I knew that I should not succumb to the feelings of shame because I had nothing for which to be ashamed. In fact, their loss was my gain! I am a good person with many talents. I have a great family and lots of wonderful friends. I could get through this.

However, navigating unemployment is not easy. Every day is a struggle. Sleepless nights are not uncommon. And, I knew I could not survive on my own. Now was the time to lean on my family and friends. Find things that made me happy and do them. Enjoy the freedom of having the time to do what I wanted when I wanted. Anything positive made me feel better and gave me the strength to move on.

The interesting thing was, with this second job loss, I found myself treading water. I still had active clients from my freelance business, so there was some money coming in, but, after a few weeks of reading job listings, I discovered nothing sounded interesting or exciting. There were plenty of positions that I could do, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to do any of them.

Then, one day, I was out to lunch with a friend and she asked, “What kind of job are you looking for?” and I didn’t know how to answer that question!

I instead heard myself say, “I’ve been in marketing and communications for more than 20 years. It’s been fun and I’m good at it. But, maybe I should reassess my career? Maybe this time I should not do a traditional job hunt? Maybe I should instead focus on me: my agenda, my wishes and my dreams?”

So, after lunch, I went to a bookstore, purchased the time-honored tome “What Color Is Your Parachute?”^* and spent an entire weekend diligently reading and doing the workbook exercises. At first, I felt kind of silly and wondered if it could really work? But, then I did The Flower Exercise and I started to see themes and patterns emerge.

With The Flower Exercise, you take one question, “Who am I?” and answer it in 10 different ways. After that, you look at each of your answers and write why you said that and what turns you on about that answer. Then, you go back and arrange them in order of priority, (e.g., which identity is most important to you?).

After doing this, I found my top three identities: I’m a writer. I’m a designer. I’m a cook/foodie.

While all three of these answers were not surprising to me or anyone who knows me, I did realize something: my entire career had focused on the first two, so what if I shifted gears and focused on the third one?

Just the thought of making this shift got me excited! I immediately had ideas about how I could translate this into a job . . .

• I could write a food blog
• I could become a caterer
• I could become a food magazine editor
• I could become a personal chef

Even though for years my friends have told me that I should cook for a living, this truly was a head-smack moment for me!

It’s been a little over a week since my epiphany and, while I have no idea where my newfound purpose is going to take me, things are already happening: I have a catering job lined up for a bachelorette dinner and I found an informative website for the American Personal & Private Chef Association that includes home-study training programs. I also have scheduled another lunch with a friend: one who is a trained chef.

So, while losing your job can cause a lot of grief and pain, it can also bring a lot of joy and hope. The key is to not give in to the despair and instead open your mind to new ideas. You might just find they are not really new, just different – and exciting!

Ann can be reached at Ann@SudekumSolutions.com

Ann’s web page is http://www.SudekumSolutions.com

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^*What Color Is Your Parachute? 2011: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers by Richard Nelson Bolles ISBN: 978-1-58008-270-9

How Do I Help My Teen Deal With the Loss of a Friendship?

Guest Author Paige Agnew, author of Starless Sky

Paige wrote her first book, Starless Sky at age 15 and Starless Sky was birthed during the time of Paige’s own grief and loss in 8th grade. Starless Sky is a genuine portrayal of grief and loss, yet comforting and filled with hope and expectation. It is a book of encouragement through following the lives of high schoolers. She was born in Michigan.  Her compassion and sense of humor is in all of her writings. When Paige is not writing, she enjoys sports, dancing, singing, playing the piano, reading and attending her brother’s college football games.

A loss of a friendship, be it via death or relocation, can be hard on a teenager just as it can be on adults.  It is important to recognize when your teenager is struggling with the loss more than what is normal.  Recognizing the symptoms is one way of helping your teenager deal with the loss.

Teenagers can experience symptoms of depression and have angry outbursts.  They can also be at the opposite end of the spectrum by showing a lack of emotions and feeling numb.  In addition, there can be problems in school with failing grades or delinquent behaviors. Further symptoms showing difficulty processing the loss might include personality changes, self-destructive behaviors (drinking, drugs, etc.), withdrawal and isolation, or even suicidal thoughts. While this is not an all-inclusive list of symptoms, it does give you an idea of how hard the loss of an important relationship can be on a teenager.
Other things that are helpful include:

• Let your teen know you are available to discuss the feelings of loss (sadness, anger, guilt, etc.).  A school counselor may also be available too.
• Say good-bye to the friend in some meaningful or symbolic way (i.e., a ceremony – funeral or celebration of life service, a letter, etc.).
• Do something in remembrance of the person (i.e., a scrapbook, a video, etc.).  If the friend relocated, identify ways to stay in touch (i.e., visits, phone calls, skype, email, texting, facebook, etc.).
• Identify things to continue doing/living (i.e., daily activities, learning, accepting new friendships and maintaining old ones, etc.).
• Be honest with your teenager.  Maybe some details are not needed, but honesty is important.

In addition to the ways listed, using books or movies that your teen likes to read or watch is a good way to process loss. For example, if you have a teen who is a reader, my book Starless Sky, would be a good read and a way to open the discussion about similarities in feelings between the main character, Kahlen, and your teen.  Kahlen’s best friend dies and she does not know how to say good-bye or how to let others in; furthermore, her parents struggle with how to help her.  By the end, Kahlen comes to some new realizations and grows as a person who learns to live with the memories of her friend rather than avoid them.  Like many teenagers, Kahlen feels guilty because her friend died, yet she had a chance at life and graduation, and romance, and experiences, and even new friendships. While there is sadness in Kahlen’s story, there is hope and that hope will provide inspiration for any teenager experiencing the loss of a friendship.
Like Kahlen needed, it is important to validate your teen’s feelings of loss.  In validating those feelings, you make it easier for him or her to share with you stories about the friendship, the memories of happy and sad times. As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.”
Finally, remember a psychologist will be a good support person and can provide you with more suggestions and recommendations. Grief and loss is a part of living and unfortunately cannot be avoided, but hopefully knowing loss exists can help us all to love harder and demonstrate it more fully as life is fragile and meant to be lived just as Kahlen did in Starless Sky, just as I did in writing Starless Sky after the loss of my best friend.

To read more go to my website, http://paigeagnew.com/

Listen to my audio excerpt, if you are intrigued to hear more, you can purchase my book there as well.