Depression Checklist

Depression is one of those heavily used terms in our culture, applied to everything from a fleeting feeling to a serious clinical syndrome. Sometimes folks who have been depressed for a while are so used to it they do not even recognize it as depression! The following checklists are two tools to get you thinking about yourself, your mood, and your physical symptoms.

Emotional Checklist:

• A persistent sad, anxious or “down” mood?
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed?
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or weight gain?
• Sleeping too little or sleeping too much?
• Restlessness or irritability?
• Persistent physical symptoms that don’t respond to treatment (such as headaches, chronic pain, or constipation and other digestive disorders)?
• Fatigue or loss of energy?
• Difficulty with concentration, decision-making or memory?
• Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless?
• Thoughts of death or suicide?

Because these symptoms occur with many conditions, many depressed people never get help, because they don’t know that their physical symptoms might be caused by depression. A lot of doctors miss the symptoms, too.

Physical Symptoms Checklist:

• Headaches. These are fairly common in people with depression. If you already had migraine headaches, they may seem worse if you’re depressed.
• Back pain. If you already suffer with back pain, it may be worse if you become depressed.
• Muscle aches and joint pain. Depression can make any kind of chronic pain worse.
• Chest pain. Obviously, it’s very important to get chest pain checked out by an expert right away. It can be a sign of serious heart problems. But depression can contribute to the discomfort associated with chest pain.
• Digestive problems. You might feel queasy or nauseous. You might have diarrhea or become chronically constipated.
• Exhaustion and fatigue. No matter how much you sleep, you may still feel tired or worn out. Getting out of the bed in the morning may seem very hard, even impossible.
• Sleeping problems. Many people with depression can’t sleep well anymore. They wake up too early or can’t fall asleep when they go to bed. Others sleep much more than normal.
• Change in appetite or weight. Some people with depression lose their appetite and lose weight. Others find they crave certain foods — like carbohydrates — and weigh more.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness.

These physical symptoms aren’t “all in your head.” Depression can cause real changes in your body. For instance, it can slow down your digestion, which can result in stomach problems. Depression seems to be related to an imbalance of certain chemicals in your brain. Some of these same chemicals play an important role in how you feel pain. So many experts think that depression can make you feel pain differently than other people.

But make sure to tell your health care provider about any physical symptoms. Don’t assume they’ll go away on their own. They may need additional treatment. For instance, your doctor may suggest an anti-anxiety medicine if you have insomnia. Those drugs help you relax and may allow you to sleep better.

Exploring your depression treatment options:

Antidepressants aren’t a cure. Medication may treat some symptoms of depression, but can’t change underlying contributions to depression in your life. Antidepressants won’t solve your problems if you’re depressed because of a dead-end job, a pessimistic outlook, or an unhealthy relationship. That’s where therapy and other lifestyle changes come in.

Studies show that therapy works just as well as antidepressants in treating depression, and it’s better at preventing relapse once treatment ends. While depression medication only helps as long as you’re taking it, the emotional insights and coping skills acquired during therapy can have a more lasting effect on depression. However, if your depression is so severe that you don’t have the energy to pursue treatment, a brief trial of antidepressants may boost your mood to a level where you can focus on therapy.

In addition to therapy, other effective treatments for depression include exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, stress management, support groups, and self-help steps. While these treatments require more time and effort initially, their advantage over depression medication is that they boost mood without any adverse effects.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about her counseling practice, you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Technology and your teenager – what you need to know

By Daniel Folmer – LPC-Intern and Tracie Posehn LPC-Intern, Counselors at and Supervised by Dr. Kay Sudekum Trotter – Counseling Services PLLC

“Being part of the Nintendo generation taught me that turning on a game was an easy escape from reality. Whatever academic, social, or occupational problems haunted me during the day, there was always a place I could succeed: video games. For people who struggle in reality, gaming and technology can easily takeover as the watermark for success. How can we recognize problematic usage of technology and gaming? How can we help those who seem to be stuck in a pattern of abuse?” – Daniel Folmer, LPC-Intern

Can Gaming be Beneficial to the Brain?

Positive

• Video gamers show improved skills in vision, attention and certain aspects of cognition.
• Gamers perform better than non-gamers on certain tests of attention, speed, accuracy, vision and multitasking – (Daphne Beveller, University of Rochester)

Negative

• Facebook – Bullying, Gossiping, Predators
• Video Games – Violence, Drugs, Alcohol
• Pornography
• Twitter – Uncontrolled Communication
• Chat Roulette
• Tumbler
• Text Messaging

Screen Time – How Much is too Much?

A University of Bristol study surveyed 1,000 kids ages 10 and 11. Over a period of seven days, the children filled out a questionnaire reporting how much time they spent either watching TV or at a computer – something doctors call “screen time” – and answered questions describing their mental state. An accelerometer measured physical activity levels.

Kids who spend more than two hours of screen time a day were 60% more likely to have psychological difficulties such as depression or ADHD. Those who got more physical activity fared better than their sedentary peers, those with more screen time still scored worse in behavioral areas such as hyperactivity.

According to a report in the March issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, one of the JAMA/Archives journals, teens who spend more time watching television or using computers seem to have poorer relationships with their parents and peers.

Teenagers

61% spend around 20 hours of screen time per week, on average

32% spend around 40 hours of screen time per week

7% are exposed to more than 50 hours of screen time per week

Source: American Heart Association’s 48th Annual Conference on Cardiovascular Disease Epidemiology and Prevention.

Prolonged exposure to rapid image changes during critical periods of brain development (like on a TV show designed for an infant) may precondition the mind to expect high levels of stimulation.  This may then make the pace of real life less able to sustain our children’s attention. The more hours a child views rapid-fire television, the more likely they will have attention challenges later in life.

 Recommendations

1. Kids under 2-years-old should not watch any TV
2. Kids older than 2 should watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day of quality programming. Source: The American Academy of Pediatrics

TECHNOLOGY AND ADDICTION 

 Internet Addiction Disorder

Salience: Using the Internet dominates the person’s life, feelings and behavior.

Mood modification: The person experiences changes in mood (e.g., a “buzz”) when using the Internet.

Tolerance: Increasing amounts of Internet use are needed to achieve the same effects on mood.

Withdrawal symptoms: If the person stops using the Internet, they experience unpleasant feelings or physical effects.

Relapse: The addict tends to relapse into earlier patterns of behavior, even after years of abstinence or control. (Griffiths, 2003)

Iowa State University Professor Douglas Gentile found that 8.5% of 1,178 youths studied are addicted to video games, using the same standards for addiction used for pathological gamblers.

Youth included in the study played video games 24 hours per week. They were more likely to have video games in the bedroom. Youth addicted to video games were also twice as likely to have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Youth studied were found to have attention deficits in school, lower grades, were inclined to steal, and had more health problems.

Teens, who play violent video games, may exhibit lingering effects on brain function, including increased activity in the region of the brain that governs emotional arousal and decreased activity in the brain’s executive function, which is associated with control, focus and concentration. The findings were presented at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America (RSNA).

Compared with the group that played the nonviolent game, the group that played the violent video game demonstrated less activation in the prefrontal portions of the brain, which are involved in inhibition, concentration and self-control, and more activation in the amygdala, which is involved in emotional arousal.

A study in China has shown that teens spending at least five- to 10-hours a day on the web are one-and-a-half times more likely to develop depression than moderate users

A loss of interest in social interaction and other symptoms of addictive behavior is present among teens who spend an excessive amount of time browsing or playing games online.

Some teens show signs of anxiety while away from the computer.

Why do Kids Play Internet Games?

• Achievement
• Exploration
• Socialization
• Killing

What Can Parents Do

Few children are excited to have the activities they love taken away or limited.  When making a change to the habits in your home, provide logical reasoning for placing a limit.  Your child does not have to agree with you, but, by providing fact-based reasoning, you demonstrate working in the best interest of the child rather than a sudden burst of authority.

If you feel your child is engaged in TV or Video Games extensively and want them to do something else, help to give alternative activities to meet similar needs. Here is a list of more positive, real-world based activities to supplement your child’s technology usage:

SPORTS                           YOUTH GROUP                           SCOUTS

NATURE                          SCHOOL CLUBS                          FINE ARTS

Remember, you are the parent and the role model for healthy living.  Help your child make healthy choices by setting an example and making a change for the family and not only the child.

Begin the conversation by identifying family and personal values, and then move towards negative behaviors you have seen increase/exist.

Meeting Your Child’s Emotional Needs

• Expect to meet with resistance initially and allow for your child to voice opinion and show emotion
• When setting a limit, provide a replacement activity for your child while making a transition to a new habit/behavior
• Be clear that you are setting a boundary rather than entering negotiations
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings and argument against making a change. Remember acknowledging is not agreeing, it just shows “you heard” your child
• Listen and show empathy without changing your position
• Be consistent in your expectations and have clear consistent consequences that are enforceable
• Provide verbal and non-verbal encouragement when your child is making appropriate choices
• Note positive changes you observe: better sleeping habits, increased productivity, greater patience and tolerance, respectful communication . . .

Concrete Limits and Boundaries That Can and Need to Be Set

• LIMIT SCREEN TIME TO 2 HOURS A DAY OR LESS
• REMOVE MEDIA FROM THE TEEN’S ROOM
• MONITOR USAGE OF MEDIA (PHONE, COMPUTER, X-BOX)
• USE LIGHT TIMER
• USE TECHNOLOGY AS A WAY TO REWARD TEENS FOR ACHIEVING ACADEMIC OR FUNCTIONAL GOALS
• ENSURE THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT THE POTENTIAL DANGERS OF TECHNOLOGY
  • CYBERBULLYING, SEXTING, PREDATORS
  • TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THEIR TECHNOLOGY USAGE

TECHNOLOGY IS A PRIVILEGE!!!

You can contact Daniel Folmer to schedule an appointment or arrange for Daniel to come speak to your group about Internet Gaming at:

• 214-499-0396
• Daniel@KayTrotter.com
• or visit the web site http://www.kaytrotter.com/internet-addiction/

Additional recourses:

How TV affects your child: 

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html

Internet Addiction increases depression in teens: 

http://www.emaxhealth.com/1357/internet-addiction-equals-depression-many-teens

Even TV in the background Impacts Brain Development: http://www.wakingtimes.com/2012/10/02/even-tv-in-the-background-impacts-brain-development-in-children/

Positive Technological Avenues:

http://www.lumosity.com

http://www.laureatelearning.com/

http://socialskillbuilder.com

Connecting With Teens – 5 Keys you Need to Know

Recently, I was asked to speak at a Middle School Parenting University and I wanted to share with you my 25-minute talk titled, “STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR TWEEN: 5 Keys You Need to Know”

As I prepared for my talk, my husband shared how, when our daughter was a pre-teen and in middle school, that he quickly learned he needed to be flexible during this time. Because, just like her developing hormones, one day she might act like she was 25 and the next day she would revert back to being his little girl.

HERE ARE THE 5 KEYS

1-Acknowledge vs. Dismiss

Many times parents dismiss their child’s feeling without even realizing it - How many times have you said:

“It’s just silly to feel that way.”

“You’ve been mad long enough.”

We would not like it if an adult said that to us and children are no different. If you dismiss a child’s feelings they don’t feel heard and they definitely don’t feel understood.

Instead, acknowledge how your child feels.

HOW?  By simply putting a name to what you see.

If you see they’re angry and frustrated put a name to it.

“You know what, it looks like your really frustrated.”

Acknowledging what it is they are feeling validates what they are feeling and lets them know that they have been heard.

By acknowledging them, you give them an awareness that you understand

2-Step Into Your Pre-Teen’s Reality

What this means is you are just going to LISTEN. Anything you try to do to fix things will just feel like an opinion or judgment to them. So, all your going to do is LISTEN and don’t try to fix it.

You’re going to actually  “step into what it feels like for them.”

Then you’re going to say, “Wow this sounds like a really difficult situation, and I can tell your trying to figure it out.  If you want or need my help on this one, please let me know.”

3-Teach Your Kids How To Manage Their Life

In the beginning stages, when children are younger, parents definitely manage their lives: we tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. But, when they start entering into the pre-teen and teenage years, they start to pull away, (which is normal), and they don’t want you to always manage their life any more.

The problem is, they do not have the tools to manage their life, and so someone has to manage it for them. So, as you start to release the reins a bit, you need to start teaching them how to manage their life.

What this looks like is more of conservation. So, instead of getting angry with them because they are making mistakes, you talk about it. Ask them questions about the situation.

I’ve had parents ask me, “What if my daughter makes a mistake?” I tell them she is going to mistakes, we all do. But, knowing they are going to make mistakes, and that mistakes are good, they have a chance to learn though this process. Remember: you need to teach your child how to manage their life while you stop the process of managing it for them.

4-You Need Boundaries and Your Child to Be Able to Set Boundaries Too

The boundaries you set for your pre-teen are critical. They need to know that their weekday 9 o’clock bedtime means 9 o’clock. Not 5 minutes after, not 15 minutes after, and it does not mean they can try to negotiate it, 9 o’clock means 9 o’clock. Doing this is good for them so they really know where they are with you.

At this stage there is a lot of difference between a 6^th grader and an 8^th grader. I would suggest weekday bedtime curfew for 6^th -7^th graders be 9 o’clock. And most 8^th graders are ready for a 10 o’clock bedtime curfew. On weekends you can extend their bedtime curfews by looking closely at each child’s individual sleep patterns. For example, say your child is night owl, like my nephew, so a weekend bedtime curfew an 8^th grade night owl could be 1 o’clock in the morning.

Your child also needs to be able to have their boundaries for you as well. Just because they are pre-teens does not mean they don’t have rights. So, if they ask you, “Mom is there any way you can knock before you come into the bedroom?,” you need to respect that. Respect that they are setting a boundary.

If you want to teach your child to have boundaries, then you need to let your child to have boundaries as well. It’s really important that you have firm boundaries and they get to have boundaries as well.

5-Don’t Let Your Feelings Muddy the Water

Dealing with your own feelings around your pre-teen’s behaviors – If you allow your fears to come into your child’s behavior you’re going to react to “your fears” and “not your child’s behavior” and it’s not going to be a good situation. Let’s say your child stayed up playing on the computer 45 minutes past their bedtime curfew and, when you discover this, it’s late, you’re tired, you’re worried too much computer time is hurting your child, you’e worried that if they are breaking this rule what other rules are they breaking that you don’t know about. So, you just react and say to them “You’re grounded from the computer. Get to your room and go to bed.” What do you think your child is thinking about when they go to their room? They are not thinking about what happened, their thinking about how their parents misunderstand them and how they don’t like their parents.

We don’t want that to be the lesson. We want the lesson to be - “When you say you’ll be in bed by 9, it’s really important that you keep your word and be in bed by then. If you want to develop a relationship based on trust and you want me to keep releasing the reins so you can manage your life, then you have to be a person of your word.” So you just sit with them and talk about that, so that the lesson comes out of it instead of their thinking about something different. It’s really important that you keep your fears out of it.

The first thing you might say to them is:

“Is everything OK? You’re 45 minutes past your bedtime.” And if they say, ”Yes, something did happen and this is what happened.” You give them the opportunity to explain what happened and then you can go into a teaching with them.

Or, if you choose to wait and address it with your child the next morning when you know you’ll be calmer, you might say this:

“It was very late when you finally went to bed last night.  It was past the time we agreed on.  I need to be able to trust you to follow thru on the things you say you will do.  It is important now and will only become more important as you get older.  We have to be able to trust each other.”

Here is a real-life situation from my sister and her pre-teen son that she shared with me:

“…. I got up to go to the bathroom and he was still up and it was way past bedtime curfew.  The first time, I just reacted and did the ‘mad thing’ and I do mean reacted; a gut response.  The next time it happened, I realized I was responding to ‘my fears’ and not ‘his behavior’ so, I took this approach…. he was in the other room on the computer and immediately turned it off and stealthily got into bed and feigned sleeping, once he realized I caught him.  I chose to let it go until the next day.  It was the weekend, so I knew I’d have time to speak with him the next day, which we did.  That was better because by then my gut was no longer in control, my heart was.  I sat down next to him so we were at the same level and we had a real conversation about trust.  I wasn’t mad and I spoke to him person-to-person; it was not a heated discussion or a one-way discussion.  We talked how important trust was, how it’s easy to lose and hard to earn back and why it was so important to me and to our relationship.  He shared how he felt as well.  I was heard and he was heard and he was reminded (because he already knew) how important the trust component is to our relationship and to his place as an upcoming young adult as well. 

“Thru our discussion I saw how important it was to him that I be able to believe the things he tells me; to trust he is telling the truth.  I also learned it is important to him that he doesn’t disappoint me.  We also discussed his ability to trust me.  He wants to trust I won’t cross his personal boundaries and trust that he is capable.  He wants to trust that I don’t read his email, for example.  I have his email password and he knows I could read his email at anytime, but he doesn’t want me to read it and needs to be able to trust me that I won’t.  I agreed I would not read his email without his permission but there may be a situation down the road that I would need to check his email, and I would ask for that permission first and with his full knowledge and I will stick to that.  I won’t break that trust, his trust of me is just as important as my trust of him. The conversation continued on from there, it actually went past the bedtime incident and into other things that were on his mind.”

OK PARENTS, THE 5 KEYS ARE:

1. Acknowledge your child’s feelings
2. Step into your pre-teens reality
3. Help them learn how to manage their own life
4. You Need Boundaries and Your Child to Be Able to Set Boundaries Too
5. Don’t Let Your Feelings Muddy the Water

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

How to Guide Teens Through Loss and Grief

Max Schwolert

I recently had the honor of talking to an intimate group of parents who where at a loss as to how to help their children cope with the loss of a friend, 17-year-old Max Schwolert, who died from complications of the flu during a holiday vacation. Those who knew Max, and those who never had the pleasure of meeting a Schwolert, had many questions. Only one being: “How can I help my child through this?”

As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss, as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.”

A loss of a friendship can be hard on a teenager, just as it can be on adults. It is important to validate your teen’s feelings of loss. In validating those feelings, you make it easier for him or her to share their stories about the friendship, the memories of happy and sad times. Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.

As a parent or support person, you have the opportunity to gently guide your teenager in living with the loss, as I do not know one ever truly “gets over it.” Many teenagers feel guilty because their friend died; yet they have a chance at life and graduation, and romance, and experiences, and even new friendships.

One thing that is very important for parents to know is: When your children are grieving and crying, your job is not to fix them. It is natural to want to make their crying stop, but this desire really is more about your pain because it hurts you to see your children cry. But, your job is not to make their pain go away, but to walk hand-in-hand with your child so they can learn to work through this pain. In other words, you have to honor your child’s feelings and allow them to have them so they can learn to process and express a range of emotions, and react in appropriate ways in emotional situations.

Parents also need to realize that, in your intention to fix them, you send the message that you don’t see them, and they therefore do not feel heard by you—this “not being seen and heard by you” can lead to a fight. This is because you have failed to understand your child’s real point and their thoughts or feelings underlying that point. I recommend you quit trying to fix your children and start communicating that you believe in them.

When your child is crying or upset and you don’t know what to do, stop and take a moment to reflect what you are seeing in your child. For example you could say, “You’re really angry. You want this to be over because this is really bothering you.” This will let your child know they are being heard and touched.

It’s also good to ask your children, “What do you need from me now?” Then, if your child just needs you to listen, they can say, “I just need you to listen.” Or if your child wants you to take some action, then they are able to tell you what action to take. This helps them feel like they have some control because death makes all of us feel out of control.

The bottom line is: Don’t fix your children. Instead help them learn how to feel and appropriately express their feelings. As parents, we can teach and guide our children to handle their emotions in ways that validates their feelings, while fostering healthy interactions with the world. In fact, emotional regulation is essential for children’s overall wellbeing.

Remember you’re the most important person to them as their parent and they just want you to walk with them on this journey.

On the flip side, it’s also okay for parents to cry and grieve in front of their children. While you may think you need to hide your pain from them, crying actually allows you to honor yourself and to feel your feelings. It’s okay to feel your pain because we all have to go through the struggle before we can come out on the other side.

The Struggle to Become a Butterfly 

There is a well-known story about a man who tried to help a butterfly out of its cocoon by slitting the cocoon open. The butterfly that emerged had small, unformed wings, and died soon after. What the man didn’t realize is the butterfly needed the struggle out of the cocoon to force the fluid into its wings; to stretch and open them so that the butterfly could fly. By trying to shortcut the process, the man had instead doomed the creature.

I use this story to illustrate that, while it’s hard to watch someone you love struggle, sometimes we need to learn to wait and let the process unfold on its own.

Remember: WITHOUT THE STRUGGLE, THERE ARE NOT WINGS!

If God allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We would never be able to fly.

How To Help Your Teens

• Be honest and let them know what’s happening
• Be willing to listen, and available to talk about whatever they need to talk about
• Acknowledge the emotions they may be feeling—fear, sadness, anger
• It can be helpful for parents, or other adults, to share their own feelings regarding the loss
• Frequently reassure them they are safe, who is caring for them, and which adults they can trust to ask for further support
• Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
• Talk to them about grief – what it is, that it’s normal, that everyone is different
• Avoid expectations of adult behavior – allow them to be the age and stage they are and encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings – give them ideas of things they could try, such as doing physical activities, writing, singing, listening to music, talking with friends, reading etc.
• Allow questions and provide honest answers
• Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them
• Speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them
• Talk about death together; answer any questions they may have
• Let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss

---

IT IS IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE WHEN YOUR TEENAGER IS STRUGGLING WITH THE LOSS MORE THAN WHAT IS NORMAL.

Recognizing the symptoms is one way of helping your teenager deal with the loss such as: 

• Teenagers can experience symptoms of depression and have angry outbursts.
• They can also be at the opposite end of the spectrum by showing a lack of emotions and feeling numb.
• There can be problems in school with failing grades or delinquent behaviors.
• Further symptoms showing difficulty processing the loss might include personality changes, self-destructive behaviors (drinking, drugs, etc.), withdrawal and isolation, or even suicidal thoughts.

While this is not an all-inclusive list of symptoms, it does give you an idea of how hard the loss of an important relationship can be on a teenager. If you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think the young person may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counselor, senior staff member from their school, social worker, community or youth worker or a local family support agency.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: 214-499-0396, Kay@KayTrotter.com or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com

Parenting Your Teenager

By Dore Quinn, MEd, LPC – Dore is a licensed professional counselor, who works with those who are striving to overcome depression, anxiety, effects of sexual and physical abuse, grief, marital and parenting issues. Dore uses many different counseling modalities including traditional talk therapy, expressive art therapy, experiential therapy and play therapy (for the young ones).

I have often heard parents with young children lament the time when their child turns into a teen. For some reason, many look on that time with dread (could it be, perhaps, that many are thinking back to when they were a teen?). I have found the teen years to be fun, and quite different from having small children. There are many things we as parents can do to build a relationship with our teen.

To me, it begins with learning to allow our children to be his or her own person within the rules of the home.  I have often thought of how much easier this whole parenting thing would be if each child came with his/her own manual, but we all know they don’t.

I remember before having my first child thinking, “Wow…we are going to have it so easy between my easy-going personality (which I have since learned isn’t so easy-going) and their dad’s easy-going personality (which really is easy-going)!”  Yes, those of you with kids know how UNTRUE and naïve that thought is because what I didn’t realize at that time is that each child comes with his/her own personality.

Our children are not combinations of us, nor where they meant to be.  It took me a few years to recognize that I was trying to turn my oldest into a “mini-Dore” because the way I thought was the right way to think or else I wouldn’t be thinking it, right?   And yes, we clashed quite a bit until I realized what I was doing.  As I was going about trying to make her into a mini-me, I completely overlooked her own person.  The message I was sending without intending is that there was something wrong with her.

So then what was my job?  I determined that my job as a parent was not to turn her into a mini-me, but to love her, protect her, and teach her right from wrong.  It’s also important to not expect our children to be like their siblings.

In order to have a good relationship with your teen, home needs to be a safe haven from the rest of the world.  A saying that I have repeated over and over (and my kids can recite it verbatim) is that not everyone on the planet is going to love them, but their family will ALWAYS love them!

A good way to foster a “Home is a safe haven” environment is to NOT ALLOW sarcasm and nastiness among siblings.  We need to be sure we aren’t engaging in it as well, whether it is with a spouse or with our children.

Another important component of building a relationship with your teen is to learn to laugh.  Don’t be afraid to play and be playful.  We don’t always know the impact that having fun in our homes will have.  During my son’s first year of college out-of-state, he posted the following status on Facebook:  “To either Mom or Dad…whoever sees this first:  I was on Facebook with my iTunes on shuffle and “Love Will Keep us Alive” by The Eagles came on and it made me think about how a while back at the Buckner house on Saturday nights we would open all of the windows and the front door and play music on Dad’s stereo and dance around the living room…I’m tired of growing up.”  I had no idea that fun times such as that would be important to my son.

Lighten up!  Discipline on a “lighter note.”  For example, when your teen asks to come home one hour after his 12 o’clock curfew, instead of going into a long lecture on obedience, say something such as, “So what I hear you saying is, “Mom, I REALLY want to come home at 11:00?”  This is a much less intense confrontation.  Another example would be my son and I were joking around on the way to school, and he said something that was over the line.  We were pulling up to the school and I said, “Sorry Mom….” And he completely ignored me.  After he took two steps towards the front door of the school, I rolled down the window and said, “That’s okay…as soon as you get to the door I’m going to shout out to you if you remembered to take your anti-diarrhea medicine this morning.”  I got a prompt apology without offense being taken.

Another way to build a relationship with your teen is to learn to criticize less.  There is a distinct difference between consequences and criticism.

A CONSEQUENCE WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

“Gee, since you chose to come home after curfew, you chose to not go out tomorrow.”

A CRITICISM LOOKS LIKE THIS

“Did you EVEN stop to think I would worry about you?  You are so irresponsible and don’t care about anyone but yourself!”

Criticism doesn’t address the actual problem; it merely makes a global statement about the other person’s character.  The problem with criticisms is that it elicits defensiveness, and seldom results in behavior change.  Especially be careful to not nit-pick the small things.

An example of nit-picking the small things would be giving your teen a hard time because he/she got a “B” on a test instead of an “A”.  Nit-picking results in a teen believing they can never do anything right in the eyes of the parent, so why bother?  Eventually they give up and then there are bigger problems.

Building a relationship with your teen can result in many years of joy and can offset the tough times that are bound to come along with your kids growing up

Keys to Remember

• Allowing your children to be themselves
• Not allowing meanness at home, learning to laugh
• Disciplining with a lighter touch
• Criticizing less

These are just a few ways to achieve a meaningful and fun relationship with your teen.

If it seems like a daunting task, pick one area and work to make one small change.

Even one small change will impact your relationship and your family in a positive way!

You can contact Dore at: 214-499-0396, Dore@KayTrotter.com or visit our web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR TWEEN

Recently, I was asked to speak at a Middle School Parenting University and I wanted to share with you my 25-minute talk titled, “STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR TWEEN: 5 Keys You Need to Know”

As I prepared for my talk, my husband shared how, when our daughter was a pre-teen and in middle school, that he quickly learned he needed to be flexible during this time. Because, just like her developing hormones, one day she might act like she was 25 and the next day she would revert back to being his little girl.

HERE ARE THE 5 KEYS

1-Acknowledge vs. Dismiss

Many times parents dismiss their child’s feeling without even realizing it - How many times have you said:

“It’s just silly to feel that way.”

“You’ve been mad long enough.”

We would not like it if an adult said that to us and children are no different. If you dismiss a child’s feelings they don’t feel heard and they definitely don’t feel understood.

Instead, acknowledge how your child feels.

HOW?  By simply putting a name to what you see.

If you see they’re angry and frustrated put a name to it.

“You know what, it looks like your really frustrated.”

Acknowledging what it is they are feeling validates what they are feeling and lets them know that they have been heard.

By acknowledging them, you give them an awareness that you understand

2-Step Into Your Pre-Teen’s Reality

What this means is you are just going to LISTEN. Anything you try to do to fix things will just feel like an opinion or judgment to them. So, all your going to do is LISTEN and don’t try to fix it.

You’re going to actually  “step into what it feels like for them.”

Then you’re going to say, “Wow this sounds like a really difficult situation, and I can tell your trying to figure it out.  If you want or need my help on this one, please let me know.”

3-Teach Your Kids How To Manage Their Life

In the beginning stages, when children are younger, parents definitely manage their lives: we tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. But, when they start entering into the pre-teen and teenage years, they start to pull away, (which is normal), and they don’t want you to always manage their life any more.

The problem is, they do not have the tools to manage their life, and so someone has to manage it for them. So, as you start to release the reins a bit, you need to start teaching them how to manage their life.

What this looks like is more of conservation. So, instead of getting angry with them because they are making mistakes, you talk about it. Ask them questions about the situation.

I’ve had parents ask me, “What if my daughter makes a mistake?” I tell them she is going to mistakes, we all do. But, knowing they are going to make mistakes, and that mistakes are good, they have a chance to learn though this process. Remember: you need to teach your child how to manage their life while you stop the process of managing it for them.

4-You Need Boundaries and Your Child to Be Able to Set Boundaries Too

The boundaries you set for your pre-teen are critical. They need to know that their weekday 9 o’clock bedtime means 9 o’clock. Not 5 minutes after, not 15 minutes after, and it does not mean they can try to negotiate it, 9 o’clock means 9 o’clock. Doing this is good for them so they really know where they are with you.

At this stage there is a lot of difference between a 6^th grader and an 8^th grader. I would suggest weekday bedtime curfew for 6^th -7^th graders be 9 o’clock. And most 8^th graders are ready for a 10 o’clock bedtime curfew. On weekends you can extend their bedtime curfews by looking closely at each child’s individual sleep patterns. For example, say your child is night owl, like my nephew, so a weekend bedtime curfew an 8^th grade night owl could be 1 o’clock in the morning.

Your child also needs to be able to have their boundaries for you as well. Just because they are pre-teens does not mean they don’t have rights. So, if they ask you, “Mom is there any way you can knock before you come into the bedroom?,” you need to respect that. Respect that they are setting a boundary.

If you want to teach your child to have boundaries, then you need to let your child to have boundaries as well. It’s really important that you have firm boundaries and they get to have boundaries as well.

5-Don’t Let Your Feelings Muddy the Water

Dealing with your own feelings around your pre-teen’s behaviors – If you allow your fears to come into your child’s behavior you’re going to react to “your fears” and “not your child’s behavior” and it’s not going to be a good situation. Let’s say your child stayed up playing on the computer 45 minutes past their bedtime curfew and, when you discover this, it’s late, you’re tired, you’re worried too much computer time is hurting your child, you’e worried that if they are breaking this rule what other rules are they breaking that you don’t know about. So, you just react and say to them “You’re grounded from the computer. Get to your room and go to bed.” What do you think your child is thinking about when they go to their room? They are not thinking about what happened, their thinking about how their parents misunderstand them and how they don’t like their parents.

We don’t want that to be the lesson. We want the lesson to be - “When you say you’ll be in bed by 9, it’s really important that you keep your word and be in bed by then. If you want to develop a relationship based on trust and you want me to keep releasing the reins so you can manage your life, then you have to be a person of your word.” So you just sit with them and talk about that, so that the lesson comes out of it instead of their thinking about something different. It’s really important that you keep your fears out of it.

The first thing you might say to them is:

“Is everything OK? You’re 45 minutes past your bedtime.” And if they say, ”Yes, something did happen and this is what happened.” You give them the opportunity to explain what happened and then you can go into a teaching with them.

Or, if you choose to wait and address it with your child the next morning when you know you’ll be calmer, you might say this:

“It was very late when you finally went to bed last night.  It was past the time we agreed on.  I need to be able to trust you to follow thru on the things you say you will do.  It is important now and will only become more important as you get older.  We have to be able to trust each other.”

Here is a real-life situation from my sister and her pre-teen son that she shared with me:

“…. I got up to go to the bathroom and he was still up and it was way past bedtime curfew.  The first time, I just reacted and did the ‘mad thing’ and I do mean reacted; a gut response.  The next time it happened, I realized I was responding to ‘my fears’ and not ‘his behavior’ so, I took this approach…. he was in the other room on the computer and immediately turned it off and stealthily got into bed and feigned sleeping, once he realized I caught him.  I chose to let it go until the next day.  It was the weekend, so I knew I’d have time to speak with him the next day, which we did.  That was better because by then my gut was no longer in control, my heart was.  I sat down next to him so we were at the same level and we had a real conversation about trust.  I wasn’t mad and I spoke to him person-to-person; it was not a heated discussion or a one-way discussion.  We talked how important trust was, how it’s easy to lose and hard to earn back and why it was so important to me and to our relationship.  He shared how he felt as well.  I was heard and he was heard and he was reminded (because he already knew) how important the trust component is to our relationship and to his place as an upcoming young adult as well. 

“Thru our discussion I saw how important it was to him that I be able to believe the things he tells me; to trust he is telling the truth.  I also learned it is important to him that he doesn’t disappoint me.  We also discussed his ability to trust me.  He wants to trust I won’t cross his personal boundaries and trust that he is capable.  He wants to trust that I don’t read his email, for example.  I have his email password and he knows I could read his email at anytime, but he doesn’t want me to read it and needs to be able to trust me that I won’t.  I agreed I would not read his email without his permission but there may be a situation down the road that I would need to check his email, and I would ask for that permission first and with his full knowledge and I will stick to that.  I won’t break that trust, his trust of me is just as important as my trust of him. The conversation continued on from there, it actually went past the bedtime incident and into other things that were on his mind.”

OK PARENTS, THE 5 KEYS ARE:

1. Acknowledge your child’s feelings
2. Step into your pre-teens reality
3. Help them learn how to manage their own life
4. You Need Boundaries and Your Child to Be Able to Set Boundaries Too
5. Don’t Let Your Feelings Muddy the Water

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

HOW TECHNOLOGY AND GAMING AFFECT PRE-TEENS AND TEENAGERS

By Daniel Folmer – LPC-Intern and Tracie Posehn LPC-Intern, Counselors at and Supervised by Dr. Kay Sudekum Trotter – Counseling Services PLLC

“Being part of the Nintendo generation taught me that turning on a game was an easy escape from reality. Whatever academic, social, or occupational problems haunted me during the day, there was always a place I could succeed: video games. For people who struggle in reality, gaming and technology can easily takeover as the watermark for success. How can we recognize problematic usage of technology and gaming? How can we help those who seem to be stuck in a pattern of abuse?” – Daniel Folmer, LPC-Intern

Can Gaming be Beneficial to the Brain?

Positive

• Video gamers show improved skills in vision, attention and certain aspects of cognition.
• Gamers perform better than non-gamers on certain tests of attention, speed, accuracy, vision and multitasking – (Daphne Beveller, University of Rochester)

Negative

• Facebook – Bullying, Gossiping, Predators
• Video Games – Violence, Drugs, Alcohol
• Pornography
• Twitter – Uncontrolled Communication
• Chat Roulette
• Tumbler
• Text Messaging

Screen Time – How Much is too Much?

A University of Bristol study surveyed 1,000 kids ages 10 and 11. Over a period of seven days, the children filled out a questionnaire reporting how much time they spent either watching TV or at a computer – something doctors call “screen time” – and answered questions describing their mental state. An accelerometer measured physical activity levels.

Kids who spend more than two hours of screen time a day were 60% more likely to have psychological difficulties such as depression or ADHD. Those who got more physical activity fared better than their sedentary peers, those with more screen time still scored worse in behavioral areas such as hyperactivity.

According to a report in the March issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, one of the JAMA/Archives journals, teens who spend more time watching television or using computers seem to have poorer relationships with their parents and peers.

Teenagers

61% spend around 20 hours of screen time per week, on average

32% spend around 40 hours of screen time per week

7% are exposed to more than 50 hours of screen time per week

Source: American Heart Association’s 48th Annual Conference on Cardiovascular Disease Epidemiology and Prevention.

Prolonged exposure to rapid image changes during critical periods of brain development (like on a TV show designed for an infant) may precondition the mind to expect high levels of stimulation.  This may then make the pace of real life less able to sustain our children’s attention. The more hours a child views rapid-fire television, the more likely they will have attention challenges later in life.

 Recommendations

1. Kids under 2-years-old should not watch any TV
2. Kids older than 2 should watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day of quality programming. Source: The American Academy of Pediatrics

TECHNOLOGY AND ADDICTION 

 Internet Addiction Disorder

Salience: Using the Internet dominates the person’s life, feelings and behavior.

Mood modification: The person experiences changes in mood (e.g., a “buzz”) when using the Internet.

Tolerance: Increasing amounts of Internet use are needed to achieve the same effects on mood.

Withdrawal symptoms: If the person stops using the Internet, they experience unpleasant feelings or physical effects.

Relapse: The addict tends to relapse into earlier patterns of behavior, even after years of abstinence or control. (Griffiths, 2003)

Iowa State University Professor Douglas Gentile found that 8.5% of 1,178 youths studied are addicted to video games, using the same standards for addiction used for pathological gamblers.

Youth included in the study played video games 24 hours per week. They were more likely to have video games in the bedroom. Youth addicted to video games were also twice as likely to have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Youth studied were found to have attention deficits in school, lower grades, were inclined to steal, and had more health problems.

Teens, who play violent video games, may exhibit lingering effects on brain function, including increased activity in the region of the brain that governs emotional arousal and decreased activity in the brain’s executive function, which is associated with control, focus and concentration. The findings were presented at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America (RSNA).

Compared with the group that played the nonviolent game, the group that played the violent video game demonstrated less activation in the prefrontal portions of the brain, which are involved in inhibition, concentration and self-control, and more activation in the amygdala, which is involved in emotional arousal.

A study in China has shown that teens spending at least five- to 10-hours a day on the web are one-and-a-half times more likely to develop depression than moderate users

A loss of interest in social interaction and other symptoms of addictive behavior is present among teens who spend an excessive amount of time browsing or playing games online.

Some teens show signs of anxiety while away from the computer.

Why do Kids Play Internet Games?

• Achievement
• Exploration
• Socialization
• Killing

What Can Parents Do

Few children are excited to have the activities they love taken away or limited.  When making a change to the habits in your home, provide logical reasoning for placing a limit.  Your child does not have to agree with you, but, by providing fact-based reasoning, you demonstrate working in the best interest of the child rather than a sudden burst of authority.

If you feel your child is engaged in TV or Video Games extensively and want them to do something else, help to give alternative activities to meet similar needs. Here is a list of more positive, real-world based activities to supplement your child’s technology usage:

SPORTS                           YOUTH GROUP                           SCOUTS

NATURE                          SCHOOL CLUBS                          FINE ARTS

Remember, you are the parent and the role model for healthy living.  Help your child make healthy choices by setting an example and making a change for the family and not only the child.

Begin the conversation by identifying family and personal values, and then move towards negative behaviors you have seen increase/exist.

Meeting Your Child’s Emotional Needs

• Expect to meet with resistance initially and allow for your child to voice opinion and show emotion
• When setting a limit, provide a replacement activity for your child while making a transition to a new habit/behavior
• Be clear that you are setting a boundary rather than entering negotiations
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings and argument against making a change. Remember acknowledging is not agreeing, it just shows “you heard” your child
• Listen and show empathy without changing your position
• Be consistent in your expectations and have clear consistent consequences that are enforceable
• Provide verbal and non-verbal encouragement when your child is making appropriate choices
• Note positive changes you observe: better sleeping habits, increased productivity, greater patience and tolerance, respectful communication . . .

Concrete Limits and Boundaries That Can and Need to Be Set

• LIMIT SCREEN TIME TO 2 HOURS A DAY OR LESS
• REMOVE MEDIA FROM THE TEEN’S ROOM
• MONITOR USAGE OF MEDIA (PHONE, COMPUTER, X-BOX)
• USE LIGHT TIMER
• USE TECHNOLOGY AS A WAY TO REWARD TEENS FOR ACHIEVING ACADEMIC OR FUNCTIONAL GOALS
• ENSURE THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT THE POTENTIAL DANGERS OF TECHNOLOGY
  • CYBERBULLYING, SEXTING, PREDATORS
  • TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THEIR TECHNOLOGY USAGE

TECHNOLOGY IS A PRIVILEGE!!!

You can contact Daniel Folmer to schedule an appointment or arrange for Daniel to come speak to your group about Internet Gaming at:

• 214-499-0396
• Daniel@KayTrotter.com
• or visit the web site http://www.kaytrotter.com/internet-addiction/

Additional recourses:

How TV affects your child: 

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html

Internet Addiction increases depression in teens: 

http://www.emaxhealth.com/1357/internet-addiction-equals-depression-many-teens

Even TV in the background Impacts Brain Development: http://www.wakingtimes.com/2012/10/02/even-tv-in-the-background-impacts-brain-development-in-children/

Positive Technological Avenues:

http://www.lumosity.com

http://www.laureatelearning.com/

http://socialskillbuilder.com

BULLYING: Teen shares battle of exclusion at school

Mental bullying can be just as damaging, and even soul crushing, as physical bullying. See how one girl coped with mental manipulation at school and view Dr. Kay Trotter talking about it on the Dallas morning news program Daybreak – WFAA-TV, Channel 8.

by CYNTHIA IZAGUIRRE, Dallas WFAA-TV, Channel 8

When 13-year-old Sara McCann was in the fifth grade her mom knew something was wrong at school.

“It’s not a shove you in the locker kind of bully,” said mother Renee McCaan. “It’s a, ‘Hey, do this and if you’re not going to do this we’re going to just discard you.’”

“It’s usually like a big group of girls,” said Sara, fighting back tears. “And I feel left out sometimes, like at lunch, whenever there’s nowhere to sit and no one will go sit with me.”

For the last three years, Sara said a group of popular girls at school made it very clear she was not good enough to join them.

“Whenever they would leave me out, I would feel like a nobody,” she said. “I mean, they wouldn’t say that to me, but it was what was implied I guess.”

Sara’s mother said this type of insidious alliance amongst students perceived to be cool caused harmful effects on her daughter.

“It’s like me putting pressure on myself saying, ‘Why am I not good enough to sit with them?’” Sara said.

According to the teen, it was covert, damaging and soul crushing – a type of mind manipulation that may not be easily detected by teachers.

“In the classroom, for example, if we have a project or something and the teacher will tell us to get in groups and it will be like a group of four and I’ll usually be like the fifth one,” she said. “I don’t have any where to go.”

When asked if she wished the teacher would break the students into groups as opposed to having them do it themselves, Sara choked up.

“Yes,” she said. “So that I would have somewhere to go.”

As Sara talked, her mother also fought back tears.

“You feel that pain,” Renee said. “You do. You feel it for your own child. You kind of inject your own memories in there. You want to swoop in and save the day.”

Renee did not talk to the principal about Sara’s issues. Instead, she sought counseling for both her and her daughter.

“I could have taken her out of the school and created a very big disadvantage for her because I’m taking the opportunity away from her to learn how to navigate these pressures in life,” she said.

Through counseling, Sara learned how to set boundaries, how to navigate the pressures and she discovered a new passion in horseback riding that has given her a new-found confidence.

“It’s not those girls that I want to feel wanted by,” she said. “It’s the people that I love that I want to feel wanted by.”

E-mail izzy@wfaa.com

View Dr. Kay Trotter talking about how to cope with mental bullying on the Dallas morning news program Daybreak – WFAA-Channel 8 Video on Bullying

http://www.kaytrotter.com/wfaa-channel-8-video-on-bullying/

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Suicide is a Threat

This is from a talk I did for the Lewisville ISD on September, 15, 2011 at their CHOICES  “Ask the Doctor” a community wide event.

Suicidal acts are frantic attempts at improving one’s life, not ending it.
D.J. Mayo, Psychologist

In most cases, suicide is a solitary event and yet it has often far-reaching repercussions for many others. It is rather like throwing a stone into a pond; the ripples spread and spread.
Alison Werhteimer

People choose suicidal acts when they see them as the best way of ending an unbearable situation or getting the changes they desire.
World Health Organisation

Hopeless

What do we worry for?
We worry for the one making the threat

The example I use for this talk was a male, so these points are written as ‘he’, but the person at risk could also be a ‘she’. The choice of how to kill one-self is also an example and could easily be a gun or pills.

Life, Death and Safety

• We’re worried – that he’ll follow through on the threat.
• We’re worried – that he’ll feel he has backed himself into a corner and has to follow through for people to take him seriously.
• We’re worried – that he might not understand that hanging puts quick, severe pressure on your neck, spine, air and blood flow in a way that will almost definitely damage the body a brain.
• We’re worried – that he doesn’t understand how quick it is, and that hanging doesn’t leave time for people to respond or rescue, nor does it leave time for him to change his mind.

Skills, Knowledge and Thought Processes

• We’re worried – that the person’s not thinking straight about how final death really is. Deep down they’re probably acting this way because they really want some kind of change, but they’ve lost hope
• We’re worried – that he can’t think straight, because anger, jealousy, alcohol or some other drug has broken down the things that normally keep him safe from dangerous impulses
• We’re worried – that he’s not thinking of ways to soothe himself or calm himself down.
• We’re worried – that he doesn’t have the skills to look inside himself, to recognize his needs or analyze his thought processes so that he could make changes to the way he’s doing things.
• He might have a need he can’t express. He might have pain he can’t communicate. And if he can’t tell us about it, we can’t help him. And while we’re dealing with the suicide threat, energy gets diverted from dealing with the ‘deeper’ needs.

Feelings and Pain

• Underneath all this, there might be poor self-esteem. The threats might be a reaction to feeling rejected or unloved. It might be coming out of anger about confusing or unjust circumstances. It might be an attempt to reach out in the midst of loneliness.
• Maybe he’s doing this because it’s hard to find actions that seem to have any noticeable effect on the world, and this is one of the few ways he’s found to make his presence felt, and because these actions meet this need, it becomes a bit like an addiction.
• Maybe this ‘flaring up’ is indicative of really low emotional resources, feeling deeply stressed, tired or drained.
• It’s hard for us to meet these deep needs when he’s doing things that create so much distress and isolation.

powerless

• It might come from the limited thought processes of young minds and experiences: they don’t know that ‘this will pass’.
• Maybe it’s part of youth trying to cope when they have been experiencing big or fast changes on a deep level. Like those that have taken place since 9/11.
• Or changes in the way the family is run and structured.
• It might be that these people do not know how to cope if they don’t get what they want.
• Maybe it’s a sort of crazed anxiety of losing love, especially if important connections are missing or broken, and it feels like you might be in danger of losing the ones that are left.
• Perhaps the threats are violence turned inwards, then radiating out to those who are closest.

Warning Signs of Suicide

• Talking About Dying — any mention of dying, disappearing, jumping, shooting oneself, or other types of self-harm.
• Recent Loss — through death, divorce, separation, broken relationship, loss of job, money, status, self-confidence, self-esteem, loss of religious faith, loss of interest in friends, sex, hobbies, activities previously enjoyed
• Change in Personality — sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious, tired, indecisive, apathetic
• Change in Behavior — can’t concentrate on school, work, routine tasks
• Change in Sleep Patterns — insomnia, often with early waking or over sleeping, nightmares
• Change in Eating Habits — loss of appetite and weight, or overeating
• Fear of losing control — going crazy, harming self or others
• Low self-esteem — feeling worthless, shame, overwhelming guilt, self-hatred, “everyone would be better off without me”
• No hope for the future — believing things will never get better; that nothing will ever change

Other things to watch for—suicidal impulses, statements, plans; giving away favorite things; previous suicide attempts, substance abuse, making out wills, arranging for the care of pets, extravagant spending, agitation, hyperactivity, restlessness or lethargy.

Every person can help prevent suicide

Show You Care!
Often, suicidal thinking comes from a wish to end deep psychological pain. Death seems like the only way out. But it isn’t. Acknowledge the feelings they might be having, and that it’s okay to feel those things, or perhaps acknowledge your relationship to them, and that you care about them.  Let the person know you really care. Talk about your feelings and ask about his or hers. Listen carefully to what they have to say.

• “It sounds like you’re angry (or jealous or something else), and it’s okay to be angry.”
•  “I’m worried about you, about how you feel.”
•  ”You mean a lot to me. I want to help.”
•  ”I’m here, if you need someone to talk to.”

Ask The Question
Don’t hesitate to raise the subject. Talking with young people about suicide won’t put the idea in their heads. Chances are, if you’ve observed any of the warning signs, they’re already thinking about it. Be direct in a caring, non-confrontational way. Get the conversation started.

•  “Are you thinking about suicide?”
• ”Do you really want to die?”
•  “Do you want your problems to go away?”

Challenge their Thinking
Challenge thinking is about letting them know that even though it’s okay to be feeling this way and you still care about them, it’s not okay to use the violence of threats or death that cause people so much pain. It’s also about helping them see that death won’t solve their problem

• ‘It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to kill yourself.’
• ‘I care about you, but I can’t give in to you when you act this way, so now I have to call someone here to keep you safe.’
• ‘How are you going to feel the respect and attention you’re looking for if you are dead? You’ll be gone forever.’
• ‘Do you really want to go away forever? You’ll leave a big hole of pain in your family and friends, who love you very much.’

Create Time-to-talk
The goal is to keep the person safe long enough to get to a time and place where there can be some good talking.

• Go for a drive. Take them to a place where they might calm down.
•  ‘Go for a walk or drive him ‘round the community. Only drop him back home when he’s really tired. But still watch over him.’
• ‘Take him away from the thing that was making him angry.’
• ‘Go to a coffee shop.’ (laughter)
• ‘Or the beach.’ (more laughter)
•  ‘Go to a place that’s safe for them but doesn’t facilitate their suicide fantasy, or give in to what they’re asking for.’
• ‘Sometimes the safest place might be the emergency room.’

After they calm down and get some slept, you can make connections, like with family or support workers. Then you can talk about it more.

• ‘Do something that makes him happy. Just ask them gently. You can listen to them. Get their story.’
•  ‘Remind them about their family. People they care about. You can ask them, “What are the troubles in your life?”’
• ‘Ask them simple questions. Get them to think about what they are doing. Like, “How are you feeling when you     say you want to kill yourself?” or “What are the things that make you feel this way?’
• Help them break it down, so they can see the process of when they do this, identifying emotional     states and suicidal triggers.’
•  ‘You can help them think about other things they can do when they feel this way again.’

Get Help
After the crisis has calmed down never talk of suicide as a secret, even if they ask you to. It’s better to risk a friendship than a life.
Ideas of what to say:

• “I know where we can get some help.”
• ”Let’s talk to someone who can help.”
• “I can go with you to get some help.”
• “Let’s call the crisis line, now.”

Sometimes you can be the most help by referring your friend to someone with professional skills such as:

• Someone the person already has connections with.
• Trustworthy family member. Someone the young person has respect for Support working together with the family member. “Family is important to provide support. It’s a partnership: support working with family and vice versa.”
• Someone who can help build coping mechanisms and help them talk about their strengths.
• Connect with a mental health professional or someone who can follow-up separately with the person making the threat.
•  Someone who can talk to the whole community about suicide.
• Anyone SAFE -  “Sometimes, to keep them safe, there might be no one left to call but the police.”

What NOT to say
Here are some things about what would be unhelpful to say to someone thinking about killing themselves

• ‘Go for it.’
• ‘Make my day.’
•  ‘Go ahead.’
•  ‘I dare you.’
• ‘Here’s the rope.’
• Giving them a challenge so they feel they have to prove it, like, ‘You don’t really mean it’ or ‘I don’t believe you.’
• Saying something dismissive, like, ‘It can’t be that bad’ or ‘You always say that.’
• Saying something that might make them feel more angry or alone, like, ‘Who’s it going to hurt?’ or ‘No one cares.’

Summary

Do something now: Don’t assume that they will get better without help or that they will seek help on their own.

Acknowledge your reaction: It’s natural to feel panic and shock, but take time to listen and think before you act.

Be there for them: Spend time with the person and express your care and concern.

Ask if they are thinking of suicide: Asking can sometimes be very hard but it shows that you have noticed things, been listening, that you care and that they’re not alone.

Check out their safety: If a person is considering suicide it is important to know how much they have thought about it. Do they have a plan?

Decide what to do: What you decide to do needs to take into account the safety concerns that you have. Don’t agree to keep it a secret.

Take action: The person can get help from a range of professional and supportive people
Ask for a promise: if thoughts of suicide return, it is important for the person to again reach out and tell someone.

Look after yourself: It is difficult and emotionally draining to support someone who is suicidal, especially over an extended period.

FOR IMMEDIATE HELP CALL
2-1-1 – Local Suicide Intervention
800-435-7609 – National Teen Suicide Hotline

Book for Parents
“Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death” by Chase Block; Foreword by Kay Sudekum Trotter, PhD – pages 75 – 81 have great suicide advice

“Helping Your Child Cope with Depression and Suicidal Thoughts” by Tonia K. Shampoo and Philip G. Patros

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Positive Affirmations – Creating our life experience in every moment

What are Affirmations?

Every thought you think every word you say is an affirmation. All of our self-talk or inner dialogue is a stream of affirmations. We are continually affirming subconsciously with our words and thoughts and this flow of affirmations is creating our life experience in every moment. Our beliefs are just learned thought patterns that we have developed since childhood, many of these work well for us, but others may now be working against us, they are dysfunctional and may be sabotaging us from achieving what we believe we want.

Every affirmation we think or say is a reflection of our inner truth or beliefs. It is important to realize that many of these “inner truths” may not actually be true for us now or may be based on invalid or inappropriate impressions we constructed as children, which if examined as an adult can be exposed as inappropriate.

Why affirmations work

Positive affirmations are designed to challenge those negative beliefs and start to stem the flow of negative thoughts and words that seek to validate them. Affirmations are more than just repeating words. It is a whole process of becoming aware of your thoughts and words in everyday life, choosing to think and project happy positive thoughts. The more you can consciously inject the spirit of you affirmations into your daily thoughts and words, the quicker they will work for you.

Will Affirmations help me?

Yes. No matter what aspect of life you’re dealing with or who you are, affirmations will not only make you feel better about yourself and your life. But if used correctly, they can manifest real change in your life. Changing the way you think, reprogramming your mind and removing the old negative beliefs that have been sabotaging you again and again throughout your life. They can enable you to achieve the life you’ve always wanted for yourself!

Affirmations for Health

• Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health
• Loving myself heals my life. I nourish my mind, body and soul
• My body heals quickly and easily

Affirmations for Abundance

• I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds
• The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
• I pay my bills with love, as I know abundance flows freely through me.

Affirmations for Love

• I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
• I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
• I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday

Affirmations for Romance

• I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
• I release any desperation and allow love to find me
• I attract only healthy relationships

Affirmations for Weight Loss

• I am the perfect weight for me
• I choose to make positive healthy choices for myself
• I choose to exercise regularly

Affirmations for Self Esteem

• When I believe in myself, so do others
• I express my needs and feelings
• I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful
• “I am ready and willing to release the past, now

Affirmations for Peace and Harmony

• All my relationships are loving and harmonious
• I am at peace
• I trust in the process of life

Affirmations for Joy and Happiness

• Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises
• My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.
• I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Steps to Saying Affirmations

1. Affirmation Mirror work – Perhaps the most powerful way of using affirmations is to state them whilst looking in the mirror. Some of the most important messages you have received have been from people looking you straight in the eye. By looking yourself in the eye as you state your affirmation you magnify the importance of the message to yourself.
2. Written Affirmations – A great way of keeping your affirmation at the forefront of your mind is to write them down, leave notes or cards around so that you notice them throughout the day.
3. Say Affirmations with Passion – Say your affirmations with passion, the higher your emotional state as you say them, the more effective they are.
4. Sing or Chant Affirmations – One of the most effective ways to use affirmations is to sing them! The mind is much more accepting of affirmation messages when they are sung.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about her counseling practice, you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.