My blog has moved!

Ok, I’ve finally done it. I’m closing my blog here on wordpress.com and

continuing it on my own website

All my earlier posts and content may be found at my new blog via my website.

Although I will no longer posting here, I look forward to hearing from you at my new site.

Thanks for your continued interest and support!
So, head on over and check out my blogs new home.

Depression Checklist

Depression is one of those heavily used terms in our culture, applied to everything from a fleeting feeling to a serious clinical syndrome. Sometimes folks who have been depressed for a while are so used to it they do not even recognize it as depression! The following checklists are two tools to get you thinking about yourself, your mood, and your physical symptoms.

Emotional Checklist:

• A persistent sad, anxious or “down” mood?
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed?
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or weight gain?
• Sleeping too little or sleeping too much?
• Restlessness or irritability?
• Persistent physical symptoms that don’t respond to treatment (such as headaches, chronic pain, or constipation and other digestive disorders)?
• Fatigue or loss of energy?
• Difficulty with concentration, decision-making or memory?
• Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless?
• Thoughts of death or suicide?

Because these symptoms occur with many conditions, many depressed people never get help, because they don’t know that their physical symptoms might be caused by depression. A lot of doctors miss the symptoms, too.

Physical Symptoms Checklist:

• Headaches. These are fairly common in people with depression. If you already had migraine headaches, they may seem worse if you’re depressed.
• Back pain. If you already suffer with back pain, it may be worse if you become depressed.
• Muscle aches and joint pain. Depression can make any kind of chronic pain worse.
• Chest pain. Obviously, it’s very important to get chest pain checked out by an expert right away. It can be a sign of serious heart problems. But depression can contribute to the discomfort associated with chest pain.
• Digestive problems. You might feel queasy or nauseous. You might have diarrhea or become chronically constipated.
• Exhaustion and fatigue. No matter how much you sleep, you may still feel tired or worn out. Getting out of the bed in the morning may seem very hard, even impossible.
• Sleeping problems. Many people with depression can’t sleep well anymore. They wake up too early or can’t fall asleep when they go to bed. Others sleep much more than normal.
• Change in appetite or weight. Some people with depression lose their appetite and lose weight. Others find they crave certain foods — like carbohydrates — and weigh more.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness.

These physical symptoms aren’t “all in your head.” Depression can cause real changes in your body. For instance, it can slow down your digestion, which can result in stomach problems. Depression seems to be related to an imbalance of certain chemicals in your brain. Some of these same chemicals play an important role in how you feel pain. So many experts think that depression can make you feel pain differently than other people.

But make sure to tell your health care provider about any physical symptoms. Don’t assume they’ll go away on their own. They may need additional treatment. For instance, your doctor may suggest an anti-anxiety medicine if you have insomnia. Those drugs help you relax and may allow you to sleep better.

Exploring your depression treatment options:

Antidepressants aren’t a cure. Medication may treat some symptoms of depression, but can’t change underlying contributions to depression in your life. Antidepressants won’t solve your problems if you’re depressed because of a dead-end job, a pessimistic outlook, or an unhealthy relationship. That’s where therapy and other lifestyle changes come in.

Studies show that therapy works just as well as antidepressants in treating depression, and it’s better at preventing relapse once treatment ends. While depression medication only helps as long as you’re taking it, the emotional insights and coping skills acquired during therapy can have a more lasting effect on depression. However, if your depression is so severe that you don’t have the energy to pursue treatment, a brief trial of antidepressants may boost your mood to a level where you can focus on therapy.

In addition to therapy, other effective treatments for depression include exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, stress management, support groups, and self-help steps. While these treatments require more time and effort initially, their advantage over depression medication is that they boost mood without any adverse effects.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about her counseling practice, you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Domestic Violence: Why do they stay?

Click here for my segment from today on WFAA Midday News talking about Domestic Violence.

Leaving a violent relationship is a process, not an event, and for many victims, they cannot simply “pick up and go” because they have many risk factors to consider. Here are a few things to consider about domestic violence on why victims continue to stay in that relationship:

Hope

• Like most people, victims of domestic violence are invested in their intimate relationships and often strive to make them healthy and loving.
• Some victims hope the violence will end if they become the person their partner wants them to be.
• Others believe and have faith in their partner’s promises to change.
• The abuser’s “good side” can give victims reason to think their partner is capable of being nurturing, kind, and nonviolent.

Guilt – Shame – DENIAL

• Victims of violence rarely want their family and friends to know they are abused by their partner and are fearful that people will criticize them for not leaving the relationship.
• Believe the abuse is their fault.
• Victims often feel responsible for changing their partner’s abusive behavior or changing themselves in order for the abuse to stop.
• Guilt and shame may be felt especially by those who are not commonly recognized as victims of domestic violence.

Emotional and physical impairment

• The psychological and physical effects of domestic violence affect the daily functioning and mental stability of the victims. Making the process of leaving and planning for safety challenging for victims who may be depressed, physically injured, or suicidal.
• Abusers often use a series of psychological strategies to break down the victim’s self-esteem and emotional strength.
• In order to survive, some victims begin to perceive reality through the abuser’s paradigm, become emotionally dependent, and believe they are unable to function without their partner.

Fear

• Threats to find victims, inflict harm, or kill them if they end the relationship.
• The abuser threatens to seek sole custody, make child abuse allegations, or kidnap the children.
• Many victims are stalked by their partner after leaving.

Financial dependence

• Lack of income, viable job skills or education, affordable daycare, safe housing
• Often, victims find themselves choosing between homelessness, living in impoverished and unsafe communities, or returning to their abusive partner.

Isolation

• Abusers establish control over victim by isolating them from support systems.
• Victims often separate themselves from friends and family because they are ashamed of the abuse or want to protect others from the abuser’s violence.

How to Comfort a Friend After a Death

My daughter called me this morning and said her friend’s mother died at midnight and then one of her teacher friends died at 2 a.m. Aside from her own grief, my daughter wanted to know how she could comfort her friend as well as comfort her fellow teachers.

Her question made me realize it’s often hard for people to know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend, starting with letting them know you care.

Understanding the Grieving Process

The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. Your grieving friend will struggle with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger and guilt. Often, they feel isolated and alone in their grief and having someone to lean on can help them through the grieving process.

Don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to them. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. You might not know

exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for your friend is to simply be there. Your support and caring presence will help them cope with the pain and begin to heal.

Listen With Compassion

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. While you may think you should avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person, your friend actually needs to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten.

Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let your friend know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Your friend should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let your friend know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invite your friend to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”

• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if your friend doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
• Let your friend talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell your friend that what they’re feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what your friend is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.

Comments to avoid when comforting your friend

• “I know how you feel.” One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• “It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”
• “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” Your friend knows they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• “He’s in a better place now.” Your friend may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• “This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about. . .” or “You might. . .”

Offer Practical Assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden, or be too depressed to reach out. You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions – such as, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

Consistency is very helpful and , if you can manage it, being there for as long as it takes. This helps your friend look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again. You can also convey an open invitation by saying, “Let me know what I can do,” which may make your grieving friend feel more comfortable about asking for help. But keep in mind that your friend may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so it’s better if you take the initiative to check in.

Take the Initiative

There are many practical ways you can help your grieving friend, including offers to:

• Shop for groceries or run errands
• Drop off a casserole or other type of food
• Help with funeral arrangements
• Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
• Help with insurance forms or bills
• Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
• Watch their children or pick them up from school
• Drive them wherever they need to go
• Look after their pets
• Go with them to a support group meeting
• Accompany them on a walk
• Take them to lunch or a movie
• Share an enjoyable activity (take a walk, play a game, do a puzzle, make an art project)

Provide Ongoing Support

Grieving continues long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person. But in general, grief lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend may need your support for months or even years.

• Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with your friend and periodically check in, drop by, or send texts, e-mails and cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.
• Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. Your grieving friend may look fine on the outside, while inside he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.
• The pain may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. Your friend may learn to accept the loss and the pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.
• Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.

Watch for Warning Signs

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if your friend’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade – or they get worse with time – this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.

If you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period (especially if it’s been over two months since the death), encourage your friend to seek professional help.

• Difficulty functioning in daily life
• Extreme focus on the death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations
• Withdrawing from others
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about dying or suicide*

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns your friend. You don’t want to perceived as invasive. Instead of telling them what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping. Perhaps you should look into getting help?”

*If a grieving friend talks about suicide, get professional help right away. In a life-threatening emergency, call 9-1-1.

Things to remember about grief. . .

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional roller coaster, with unpredictable highs, lows and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling your friend what they “should” be feeling or doing.
• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair and fear are common. Your grieving friend may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. They need reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.
• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure your friend to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: 214-499-0396, Kay@KayTrotter.com or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com

I Offer This Blessing—To Bless The Wonderful Person So Worthy Of Love That YOU Are

As I sit here pondering the past year and reflecting on my life and the treasures bestowed to me and the ones yet to come, I find that I am grateful for it all. For the joys and for the sorrows, for without these experiences I would not be the person I am today. Through the losses in my life’s journey amidst the pain and tears I also was blessed to discover that the ONLY thing important in life is the relationships we have with each other—our connectedness with loved ones. Everything else is just stuff.

So, with this in mind I “Send Blessings Out Into The Universe With Your Name…….I offer this Blessing—for you. My hope is that you will embrace and “recognize your infinite good which is part of the very fabric of the universe.” I also pray that you send out blessings wherever  you go and these beautiful words on the gentle art of blessing written by Pierre Pradervand is a wonderful example of how to bless others in your everyday life. - Dr. Kay Trotter

Be sure to also watch this beautiful video “The Gentle Art of Blessing” where  Janes Joy brings Pierre’s words to life with music and wonderful photo’s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WegAgepCYfo

“The Simple Art of Blessing” by Pierre Pradervand 





On awakening, bless your day as it is already overflowing with an abundance of goods that show your blessings. For bless means to recognize the infinite good which is part of the very fabric of the universe. He expects us to sign a manifest.

People crossing the street, on the bus, at your place of work, bless them all. The peace of your blessing will be the companion of their way and will have a discreet fragrance light their way. Bless those you encounter in their health, their work, their joy, their relationship to God, to themselves and others. Bless them in their abundance and their finances. Bless them in every way conceivable, because such blessings not only sow the seeds of healing but one day, like so many flowers burst forth with joy in the arid areas of your life.

As you walk, bless your village or city, those who govern and its teachers, its nurses and street sweepers, its priests and prostitutes. At the very moment someone expresses any aggression, anger or lack of kindness towards you, respond with a blessing silent. Bless them totally, sincerely, joyfully, for such blessings are a shield that protects you from the ignorance of their misdeeds, and diverts the arrow that is sent to you.

To bless means to wish and want unconditionally, totally and unreservedly good unlimited – for others and the events of life – drawing on sources deepest and most intimate of your being. This means reverence and awe with a total look that is always a gift from the Creator and that whatever appearances. One that is supported by your blessing is set apart, consecrated the world.

Bless everything and everyone, without discrimination, is the ultimate form of giving, because those you bless will never know from where does this sudden ray of sunshine broke through the clouds of their skies, and you will rarely witnessed in this light their lives.

When, in your day, some unexpected upsets you you as far as your plans, burst into blessing, because life is going to teach you a lesson, even if the cut may seem bitter. For this event you believe to be undesirable if you have in fact created, in order to learn the lesson that you escape if you hesitate to bless him. Events are blessings hidden and cohorts of angels follow their footsteps.

To bless means to recognize beauty everywhere hidden from material eyes. This is to enable the universal law of attraction, from the depths of the universe, will bring into your life exactly what you need in the moment to grow, grow, and fill the cup of your joy.

When you pass a prison, bless its people in their innocence and their freedom, their goodness, their pure essence and unconditional forgiveness. Because we can only prisoner of the image we have of ourselves, and a free man can walk without chains in the courtyard of a prison, as well as citizens of a free country may be trapped when fear lurks in their minds.

When you pass a hospital, bless its patients in the fullness of their health, because even in their suffering and disease, this fullness is just waiting to be discovered. And when you see someone crying or seemingly broken by life, bless it in its vitality and joy for the senses do not show that the inverse of the splendor and ultimate perfection that only the inner eye can perceive .

It is impossible to bless and judge at the same time. Then hold in the desire to bless you as an incessant inner resonance and as a perpetual silent prayer for you and those are the peacemakers, and one day, you will discover all the face of God.

 - Pierre Pradervand

PS And above all, do not forget to bless this wonderful person, totally beautiful in its true nature, and so worthy of love that YOU are.

http://vivreautrement.org

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: 214-499-0396, Kay@KayTrotter.com or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com

T’was the Night Before Therapy

STRESS QUIZ: How Stressed Are You?

Do you diminish or categorize your stress as “normal” or “it’s no big deal, everyone has stress?”

It is not uncommon for people to downplay the stress in their daily lives, not really knowing the true amount of stress they are under, or what is considered a stressful situations. It is important for you to know what causes your stress and stress needs to be understood, especially how stress can impact your health. This STRESS QUIZ is designed to help you discover the amount of stress you may be under and do not even realize it.

Rate yourself as to how you typically react in each of the situations listed below. There are no right or wrong answers. Circle the statements in each column that apply to you. If a particular area of your life doesn’t generally cause you stress, skip it.

Cause of Stress	Mild – 1 point	Moderate – 2 points	Serious – 3 points
Work	I work part-time	I work full-time	I work more than 40 hrs wk
Number of kids	One	Two	Three or more
Parents	My parents occasionally need my help	My parents have chronic problems and need my help more and more	My parents live with me because of chronic problems
In-laws	My in-laws occasionally need my help	My in-laws have chronic problems and need my help more and more	My in-laws live with me because of chronic problems
Health	I have typical complaints for my age	I have mild heath problems	I have moderate to severe heath problems
Money	I manage to save a little but not much	I am often worried that I don’t have enough money	I have serious money problems
Weather	I experience seasonal problems, such as depression on gray days	I experience severe weather problems, like hurricanes and tornadoes	My home has been affected by a weather related disaster.
Space	We are crowded at home	We have just barely enough space at home	We have fights over space every week
Commuting	I commute less than half hour a day	I commute from a half hour to an hour a day	I commute more than one hour a day
Support System	I have some friends and family near by but not enough	I have family and friends, but most are not nearby.	I have almost no one I can talk to or get support from.
Family Problems	My family has normal problems with friends, and neighbors	My family has moderate problems that affect our happiness	My family members have serious learning, physical, or mental problems
Neighborhood	It could be better	Its marginal	Its not safe
Other Problems	I have occasional other problems at home, work or school	I have frequent other problems at home, work or school	I have multiple other problems at home, work or school, that never seem to get better
Total

If you score in the 0-13 range, you have a MILD amount of stress.

If your score is 14-26, you have a moderate amount of stress. You are approaching the DANGER ZONE

If your score is 27-39, you need to understand that stress is a SERIOUS THREAT TO YOUR HEALTH. You need some extra support from a counselor, or close friend. I urge you to make your health a priority for you and your family.

How Stress Impacts Your Health - short-term stress can keep you awake at night and make you feel irritable and edgy. High stress levels over a long period of time can cause serious health problems such as high blood pressure. And high stress can weaken your immune system and make it difficult for your body to fight disease. Stress is linked to health conditions such as depression, heart disease, and asthma.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Coping Skills

S  T  R  E  S  S:   the problem

Whenever we experience emotional distress arising from the four core wounding experiences – loss, rejection, betrayal and humiliation – we have a choice of “hiding” from or ignoring these upsetting experiences.

Our ability to effectively cope with challenges and upsets requires learning and practicing skills so they become everyday coping tools. Just learning about these principles is not enough. Remember about 75% of what you do is out of HABIT.

Training our brain to use health coping methods means we can heal our own emotional wounds so we also feel better about ourselves.

We need all three coping brain functions, thinking, feeling and self-protection, to get over experiences that make us stressed, worried, angry or upset.

C   O   P   I   N   G:  principles

1. Recognize that no thought or feeling is wrong in itself, it is what we do with it that really counts.
2. Become aware of the way your body feels as tension begins to build up— remind yourself to breath.
3. Recognize that you don’t have to go through this alone — help is available from a wide range of sources.
4. Work to improve communication with your family and friends
5. If you are experiencing fatigue or feeling overwhelmed, reduce your responsibilities for a period of time.
6. Recognize that family and friends have to deal with their feelings too.
7. Share honestly and lovingly how you are feeling
8. Do things each day that are nurturing to you. Include fun activities, relaxation, time alone, and exercise.
9. You can work to solve some of the problems that are causing you stress.
10. Accept that guilt and worry about things you CAN’T change are useless and energy-draining.
11. Give yourself credit for whatever level of coping you are achieving.
12. Remember, there is no “instant fix” for stress.
13. Develop a love and respect for yourself — because each of us is, with our strengths, a special and worthwhile person.

L   I   F   E   S   T   Y   L   E:    body – mind – spirit

You can’t always avoid stress but being able to identify what causes it is the first step toward helping yourself cope better. If you have difficulty pinpointing the causes or “triggers” of your stress, try keeping a record to help you identify patterns of stress.

To effetely use this chart, make a note of all your activates during the day and how you felt at the time. Fill in the chart whenever a stress symptom occurs, noting what happened just before. At the end of the week evaluate when you felt stressed and when you felt relaxed.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Morning
Afternoon
Evening

R   E   L   A  X  A   T   I   O   N:   restores balance

For long-term stress relief you need periods of mental and physical relaxation throughout the day. Relaxation is a set of skills that teach you how to combat the effects of stress and restore the balance between body and mind to enable healthy, happy living.

WHY: long-term stress changes the balance of hormones in the body and leads to exhaustion. A suppressed immune system, slower metabolism and slower cell repair, result in rapid aging, weight gain, and greater risk of degenerative disease.

S   I   M   P   I   L   E:  coping skills

• Learn to become aware of when you are experiencing stress — listen to your body
• Practice deep breathing – just 3 deep breaths will change your body chemistry
• Muscle relaxation
• Meditation
• Yoga
• Mindfulness practices – the state of being attentive to and aware of the present moment only
• Guided Imagery or Visualizations
• Journal about your feelings, thoughts and worries
• Use Positive Affirmations to change negative self-talk
• Exercise daily
• Get a Massage
• Pick a hobby
• Cut down on activities
• Unplug from technology – turn down the noise
• Get outside – your brain is created to respond positively to nature — soothing your soul
• Get enough sleep
• Seek social support  – talk to someone

“In my next blog I will provide you with some of my favorite stress relief techniques”

Related articles

How to Handle Stress (crossroadscounselingcenter.wordpress.com)

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Surviving Postpartum Depression

These days, as I excitedly await the arrival of my first grandchildren (twins), a precious little boy and a sweet baby girl, my world is surrounded with everything, wonderfully baby. But sometimes motherhood brings the bittersweet dance of joy and sorrow. The following true story has a happy ending, but not without soul-searching, self-doubt and God’s blessings that my friend found help and is now a survivor of Postpartum Depression – Kay

SURVIVING POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

I can’t wish it away, pray it away, talk it away, or distract myself enough

In the midst of my shame and crying I heard the therapist say, “It’s OK, we all get depressed sometimes. I know that you are thinking that you shouldn’t be depressed, but it’s OK. This too shall pass. This happens to a lot of women after pregnancy; your hormones are out of balance.” This feedback came after I had spent a full hour in a therapy session trying to explain to the therapist why I didn’t have post-partum depression.  Never mind the fact that I couldn’t stop crying, I had trouble staying awake during the day, was completely overwhelmed, agitated, and in a fog, and had hit rock bottom.  That’s the real reason I made the appointment in the first place.  At the time I didn’t realize to what extent I had minimized my symptoms of post-partum depression (PPD). It was after months of denying it and talking to friends and professionals that I accepted that I really did experience PPD.  I say “experience” rather than “had” PPD because it is something I couldn’t wish away or get rid of with a magic pill. I couldn’t wait it out like a cold, the severity came and went and felt different each day. Therefore, I say “experience.”

I would like to walk you through my experience of PPD and describe some things I learned along the way to help me get through it. My hope is that if one woman reads this and is able to get help or feel some relief, then sharing my story will be all worth it.

So let’s get straight to the point: What does post partum depression (PPD) feel like? How do you know if it’s just “the new normal” of mommy hood or really clinical where you need help? When I say “clinical” what I really mean to say is I couldn’t wish it away, pray it away, talk it away, or distract myself enough. It was always there hanging over my head like a cloud. I tried everything I could think of to make myself feel better. Some strategies helped distract me long enough to think I was feeling better, but they usually ended up exhausting me even further in the long run. For the textbook definition of PPD, you can go to any pregnancy book or website to read the clinical description. I had read the symptoms before, but living inside of a body and mind experiencing PPD is much different than reading about it.  I can remember identifying with a few symptoms after reading about PPD in a book a couple of months after delivery and thinking to myself, “I must just be sleep deprived. I bet when I start sleeping I’ll feel better.”  I also remember thinking that something must be wrong with me and I wondered how on earth other women made it through the first few months with baby.

I had lots of other symptoms as well. I worried about everything, which I thought was somewhat normal for first-time mothers, but I was obsessive about every little thing. I obsessed about baby’s sleeping and naps and charted everything to the minute. I read numerous books on everything about pregnancy and babies (being educated and informed is great, but being obsessive and thinking that I needed a degree in child development, nutrition, and sleep is not healthy). I felt guilty for everything—letting him sleep in the swing and in the stroller, letting her cry for five seconds, and not being happy all the time.  I felt guilty in the mornings for thinking “I have to do this all over again.” I remember almost falling asleep one morning while changing her diaper and thinking, “I don’t know if I can change one more diaper. I want to run away and be by myself.” In the mornings, I stood in my closet overwhelmed and not able to decide what to put on for the day. I was too overwhelmed to take baby out of the house because I thought it would be too exhausting to go anywhere and what was the point anyway. Everything seemed so overwhelming and pointless. I was irritable and agitated and felt helpless and frustrated when I would hear other people’s children cry in public.  Actually, it would send me off the deep end and I would feel panic stricken. (You might be thinking that is normal, but typically I would have responded in a very nurturing way – so this was atypical of me.)  I was very fearful and mistrusting of anyone taking care of baby or even holding him. I was afraid to leave him with anyone; I missed my husband and missed spending time with him. When my husband came home for lunch, I didn’t want him to leave.

Fortunately, I could get out of bed in the morning—another reason why I didn’t think I really had PPD. I always woke to my son crying, so of course I could get out of bed, but staying awake was difficult. I felt groggy and indecisive all day and in a fog. Things I had previously enjoyed annoyed me, but I didn’t realize that it was part of depression because I was stuck in it. I thought I had changed from having a baby. Looking back, it is so obvious but, when I was in it, I felt completely different and believed that how I felt was real. I felt guilty for working outside the home. I would cry in my office and cry on the way home.  I felt like I was being panicky when I was away from my son. Even in the hospital I felt panicky when other people would hold him. I felt disconnected and separated when I wasn’t holding him. This is another reason I didn’t know I had PPD—most books say you feel no connection to your baby. My PPD presented more like an over-connection. I rationalized this by saying that it was from the oxytocin from nursing.  To an extent the oxytocin does create a bonding feeling and a desire to be together, but it was like mine was on overdrive.

The scariest part of my experience was when I felt disconnected from the world. It was like I was behind a hazy screen or like I was watching people on a movie screen. It wasn’t like a hallucination, but just a fuzzy kind of distant feeling.  I couldn’t stop my crying in public and I was very fearful.  Another scary part of experiencing PPD is that I felt so ashamed to tell my husband or anyone what negative feelings and thoughts I was having.  The only reason I finally told my husband was because I began to have fleeting thoughts of how I could end my life. I knew I just wanted to feel better but having fleeting thoughts of death was not typical for me. I knew I could not fight this alone.  I knew at that point that I needed to reach out. Up to this point I made excuses for my thoughts and feelings but I couldn’t dismiss this.

As soon as I told him about my feelings, he quickly intervened and was very supportive. We went to my ob-gyn who discussed different options for treating PPD and she also gave me a referral for a therapist who specializes in women’s and family issues.

What I learned from this experience is that so many women have experienced PPD and the severity of symptoms varies with each woman.  When I was trying to decipher if what I was experiencing was the reality of being a new mom or if it was PPD, I reached out to a lot of people.  Some of them were responsive/supportive and others were not. I am so grateful for my friends who shared their experiences with me and who encouraged me to seek help.  The other valuable lesson I learned was to do what works for me. There are lots of different opinions out there and lots of conflicting ideas, but I had to do what was best for me and my family.

A friend of a friend reached out to me recently because she had heard about me experiencing PPD. She shared her experiences with me, and I think it is because of her that I have the courage to write this. After hearing her experiences I felt validated in mine, like thank goodness I am not crazy! I am very hopeful because in meeting her I saw living proof that people do live through PPD and parenthood and THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I am thankful to her for being so real with me and also for letting me share my experience.

Looking back I also learned not to expect everyone around me to understand what I was going through. Not everyone can relate because they do not fully understand it or they may not be able to handle seeing their loved ones in pain. While some people may not believe that PPD even exists, I am grateful to have supportive family members and friends who I rely on each and every day.

So what are some things that helped me get out of PPD, or manage it? Now that I think about it, I guess I am still managing it—although I feel much better and feel like myself again. I think now I am mostly managing the challenges that new parents face.  These things are in no way intended to be advice; however, they do outline things that work for me, today. It may change tomorrow, but for today this is what works for me.

I allow myself to experience this. For one, it’s OK to be going through this. I have a habit of minimizing and telling myself that there are people in the world with bigger problems and, yes, that is true. Regardless of what suffering other people may experience and regardless of the level, what we all experience is our part of our journey. I remind myself that it is okay to struggle and get through this.

I am learning not to try to appear all put together. No one is and no one expects me to be perfect. No one has the perfect life, perfect marriage, or perfect kids.

I forgive myself. This is harder than it sounds, but when I start feeling guilty for missing one of my son’s naps (which rarely happens), or whatever else my ego comes up with to evoke guilt, I forgive myself. I remind myself that I am human. I stop beating myself up for the past. I omit the words: “I should have, I could have done this better, I wish I would have.” Forget about it. I tell myself: it’s over, done, move on.

I stay in the moment. I remind myself to stop trying to predict the future. Stay in today. I still plan for the important things, but I work really hard not to worry about the future. I have a sign on my fridge that says “Cross that bridge when or IF you get there.”

I let myself get angry. I just remember all of those social rules and don’t take it out on my family. I run, do spin class or find some way to let that frustration go. Running and yoga help me a great deal.  Saying what I feel in the moment helps too. My husband and I believe in being very transparent and not letting feelings build. We share frequently.

I rely on friends. I meet with a group of friends on a consistent basis to support and motivate each other in regards to goals and to have me time.  These groups remind me that I am not alone and that I can count on others for help.

I do what works for me. I seek feedback from other moms, dads, pediatricians, and research (although I am no longer allowed to read 800 books on each baby topic), and then I see how that fits with my family’s needs. I adjust the plan when it needs to be changed.

I ask for help. This is a work in progress.  I remember that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do everything on my own in spite of what previous generations reportedly did, and I benefit my family and myself when I ask people for what I need.

I take breaks. I tell my husband what I need from him and when I need to get out of the house. Since there are no more weekends off, I plan time so that both my husband and I can have some time for us.

I guess basically what I am saying is that I try to cut myself some slack. Having a baby is such a big adjustment, and it really has been the biggest opportunity in life to learn the lesson to stop and be in the moment—to stop worrying about the laundry or cleaning or cooking an organic meal from scratch, and train for a half marathon, and work outside the home, and try to have dates nights. During the week instead of telling myself I have to do it all, my new expectations are to enjoy baby and husband and to work. If I get anything else done it is a bonus!  If what everyone says is true, this time will go by so fast and soon he will be running off to school or driving off in a car. When I experience really great moments or days, I try to capture these in my being and in my memory. Of course I wish these moments would last longer, but then I remember that because those moments pass so quickly it means the less desirable moments won’t last too long either. I finally understand the saying, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

So when I sat down to write my story my hope was to help at least one person out there, to provide some relief or help someone feel normal and not crazy. I wanted to instill some hope in one of the readers out there. What I realized after finishing this is that it really helped me to share my story, to honor what I experienced and to remember all the nuances of this humbling, amazing, yet sometimes painful process of being a mom. I know this is only the beginning of a wonderful journey.

Helpful Links

Postpartum Depression and the Baby Blues Symptoms, Treatment, and Support for New Moms

Growing your Baby

The Bump 

Blogs:

Postpartum Progress

Ivy’s PPD

PPD Survivor

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.

Positive Affirmations – Creating our life experience in every moment

What are Affirmations?

Every thought you think every word you say is an affirmation. All of our self-talk or inner dialogue is a stream of affirmations. We are continually affirming subconsciously with our words and thoughts and this flow of affirmations is creating our life experience in every moment. Our beliefs are just learned thought patterns that we have developed since childhood, many of these work well for us, but others may now be working against us, they are dysfunctional and may be sabotaging us from achieving what we believe we want.

Every affirmation we think or say is a reflection of our inner truth or beliefs. It is important to realize that many of these “inner truths” may not actually be true for us now or may be based on invalid or inappropriate impressions we constructed as children, which if examined as an adult can be exposed as inappropriate.

Why affirmations work

Positive affirmations are designed to challenge those negative beliefs and start to stem the flow of negative thoughts and words that seek to validate them. Affirmations are more than just repeating words. It is a whole process of becoming aware of your thoughts and words in everyday life, choosing to think and project happy positive thoughts. The more you can consciously inject the spirit of you affirmations into your daily thoughts and words, the quicker they will work for you.

Will Affirmations help me?

Yes. No matter what aspect of life you’re dealing with or who you are, affirmations will not only make you feel better about yourself and your life. But if used correctly, they can manifest real change in your life. Changing the way you think, reprogramming your mind and removing the old negative beliefs that have been sabotaging you again and again throughout your life. They can enable you to achieve the life you’ve always wanted for yourself!

Affirmations for Health

• Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health
• Loving myself heals my life. I nourish my mind, body and soul
• My body heals quickly and easily

Affirmations for Abundance

• I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds
• The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
• I pay my bills with love, as I know abundance flows freely through me.

Affirmations for Love

• I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
• I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
• I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday

Affirmations for Romance

• I have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace
• I release any desperation and allow love to find me
• I attract only healthy relationships

Affirmations for Weight Loss

• I am the perfect weight for me
• I choose to make positive healthy choices for myself
• I choose to exercise regularly

Affirmations for Self Esteem

• When I believe in myself, so do others
• I express my needs and feelings
• I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful
• “I am ready and willing to release the past, now

Affirmations for Peace and Harmony

• All my relationships are loving and harmonious
• I am at peace
• I trust in the process of life

Affirmations for Joy and Happiness

• Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises
• My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.
• I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Steps to Saying Affirmations

1. Affirmation Mirror work – Perhaps the most powerful way of using affirmations is to state them whilst looking in the mirror. Some of the most important messages you have received have been from people looking you straight in the eye. By looking yourself in the eye as you state your affirmation you magnify the importance of the message to yourself.
2. Written Affirmations – A great way of keeping your affirmation at the forefront of your mind is to write them down, leave notes or cards around so that you notice them throughout the day.
3. Say Affirmations with Passion – Say your affirmations with passion, the higher your emotional state as you say them, the more effective they are.
4. Sing or Chant Affirmations – One of the most effective ways to use affirmations is to sing them! The mind is much more accepting of affirmation messages when they are sung.

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about her counseling practice, you can contact her at: Kay@KayTrotter.com, 214-499-0396, or visit her web site http://www.KayTrotter.com.

Dr Trotter also post regularly in her FaceBook fan page http://www.facebook.com/DrKaySudekumTrotter.